I miss blogging. I truly do...Sheesh...it's been a while...Time for a quick update then we'll get to the bulk of this one...which is WWE '12...honestly one of the best, and also one of the most disappointing wrestling games I've ever played...first we will go over life...
My life...been a crazy one as of late...in case you forgot in May, I moved back to Connecticut...860 miles away from home. It was a tough choice...but I believe it was the right one. I can honestly say I'm happy...not all the time obviously, who is...but even when I'm not happy...I am in good spirits...or let me put it this way, I'm not always in a good mood, but I am always happy. That's actually the most accurate way I can put it.
When I moved to Connecticut, I weighed 226 disgusting pounds. As I type this I weight in at around 182. I've taken a break from dieting for the holidays and I want to really enjoy them, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the conclusion of the holiday season and going full force into a healthy and fit 2012! I feel great...and my confidence has been nearly as high as it was in 2009...few more month and I'll be ready to break hearts. (not really)
I have felt so blessed lately. I have amazing friends...I have a lot of really good ones...but there's just a few that have just put me over the edge lately when it comes to me enjoying life. Obviously my dearest friend is Adam godAWFUL Camerato. He's been very gracious to me as has his parents...His tolerance for my messiness is appreciated.
Next is obviously Joey and Kathleen. I really have no idea what I'd do without them. Sure Joey's little nuances can drive me nuts sometimes...but that's what a brother is for. Kathleen is the sweetest most beautiful human ever! and I love her to death.
Then there's Ant Battle, who unfortunately since I got my job, I haven't seen much of, but I can't wait till I do! Dude's awesome.
The last person I really want to mention is Steph. My salsa. I was just telling her the other night that I would have never guessed we would be as close as we are after our ugly little...uh...break-up? But she really is one of my closest, and dearest friends. I would do anything for her...we're completely different...and I think that's why I love her so much.
I have a ton others I greatly appreciate but I'm gonna keep moving it along...
I got a job! with CT Limo...awesome job, I love it a lot, unfortunately, there's some inner problems, and I'm not sure I'll have it for much longer, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
I went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. Had an awesome time with my family...and reaaaallllyyyy enjoyed those Kush Kakes...(maybe to much?) either way. It was a great trip. I sincerely can't wait to get back there. My niece is the most precious little girl in the world...and I love her with all of my heart. No one has a hold on me like her...that girl means the world to me. I hope she doesn't forget me as she gets older. :(
Now...I don't know if I'm leaving anything out...but let's get on to WWE '12...the newest WWE game from THQ. This year they repackaged the title, dropping the familiar "SmackDown vs RAW" and going for a more clean and direct title.
WWE '12 Cover Art for PS3
This game had a lot of hype going in...with a new physics system, new modes, new everything...the game was touted as the best wrestling game since "No Mercy" which to many...is the most complete and fun wrestling title in gaming history.
I got the game, and I must say, I am very impressed with the improvements. While most of the game in essence is the same...the things they tweaked are pretty nice. But I'm not completely happy. Yes. The matches are a hell of a lot more fun to play this year, but after extensively playing WWE All-Stars...I was expecting more of a happy mix of the SDvR overall game...with the WWE All-Stars gameplay. What I have experienced is what I can only assume is a failed attempt at this.
My next gripe is a huge one. Playing through the Road To Wrestlemania mode has been EXTREMELY frustrating. With silly objectives and un-necessary backstage brawls...literally every other cut-scene...it drags it along when really all I wanna do is just keep it moving so I can get the story experience, and all the unlocks. I don't want to REALLY play that mode...just do it...I really hope they address it, because as it seems like they're going for...the WWE UNIVERSE MODE is going to be the FLAGSHIP game mode in the titles for the next few years, as it should be. With that said, I think most players will play the RTWM mode to unlock everything they can before starting in UNIVERSE...which is what they really want to do...so either make RTWM more streamlined so we can get to the goods, or abolish it altogether and have the WWE UNIVERSE mode contain all the unlocks.
Now it's time for me to cover WWE UNIVERSE MODE...
CM Punk delivers a bulldog to Rey Mysterio
By far the BEST thing to happen to the WWE franchise. It was introduced last year, and provided a glimpse into what we could see in coming years. It was fun, but repetitive and got old fairly quickly...it wasn't long before I started simulating most matches just to get to the title matches and enjoy seeing who will be the next champion. The problem last year was, even when you played a quick match or exhibition, it went towards the Universe stats...which was problematic, and annoying if you forgot to turn Universe off.
This year they separated the two. So if your friends are over and you just wanna have a fun quick little match, you can do it outside of Universe without worrying about turning that off. Very nice to have. They also improved the amount in which you can customize.
An awesome created Royal Rumble Arena circa 1995
This year they introduced the all new Create-An-Arena mode. For the first time since WWF Attitude, you can make a fully custom arena and have matches inside of it. Very awesome feature. I've had fun making arenas and watching them in action. Creating the CTWE arena and having the guys I create wrestle in it feels a bit like I'm playing a CTWE video game. It's a stretch, but I am able to expand my believability. As such, in the Universe mode, you can override RAW and SMACKDOWN if you wish, making two brand new shows, as well as Superstars...so for me, I might want to make a DPW and CTWE show, and run them as competition with PPV's, which I believe you can fully customize being the shows where they mix. In fact, just thinking about that now got me pretty excited and I might just do that. Gotta wait till I expand the CAW list a bit.
While that is VERY cool, it isn't perfect...It would be IDEAL...if you can select the empty days, so, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and make a show on those days. The spots are there on the schedule, so why not use them. If you were able to do that, and create a MONSTER promotion, that had separate divisions running each day, independently, with their own belts (which, there are more than enough in the game) and maybe one OVERALL champion which you could run on PPVs...that would be the most AMAZING wrestling simulator EVER...and I really think they might put it in next year. Just thinking about something that is that LARGE that EXPANSIVE and DEEP gets me EXCITED. (no, I'm not talking about Melina's genitals)
Cover Superstar Randy Orton delivers an RKO to Alberto Del Rio
The possibility is there and I really hope THQ picks up on that. I really doubt I'm the only one that would love the freedom to run a monster promotion. The mechanics are there, the functionality has yet to come. Or maybe the other way around.
You currently are able to fully customize a number of Rosters And have them appear at any show you wish, you can assign champions and all of that fun stuff. And you can now assign custom brands to shows and completely change the show altogether. In your Universe WWE RAW can be replaced by BRW MONDAY MADNESS...Friday Night SmackDown can become FRIDAY FIRE! Or some other stupid ass backyard sounding name that 98% of wrestling fans would come up with. But that's not the point. The point is you can do ALL of this. and all I'm asking is...to be able to do this...ON ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and have it repeat EVERY WEEK with it's designated roster. It would be AMAZING. I know I already explained it...but...I'll effing break it down right now...here's how MINE would likely look.
WWE RAW - Mondays - a roster of WWE talent.
Main title - WORLD HeavyWeight
Mid-Card - US title
TAG - WWE
Diva - Divas
CTWE presents BriccoVision TV - Tuesdays - a roster of CTWE CAW talent
Main Title - WORLD HeavyWeight
Mid-Card - Classic WWE championship
TAG - Unified
Diva - Divas
GLOBAL PRO presents Global TV - Wednesdays - a mix of international talent based in Japan/Mexico/Europe CAW/WWE talent
Main Title - World HeavyWeight
Mid-Card - European Championship
Tag - World
Diva - Women's
SUPERSTARS - Thursdays - Mix of ALL Promotions (mostly lowercard)
No titles
WWE SmackDown - Fridays - a 2nd roster of WWE talent
Main Title - World HeavyWeight
Mid-Card- Intercontinental Championship
Tag - WWE
Diva - Divas
WCW presents Nitro - Saturdays - Mix of ROH/Independent Wrestlers
Main Title - World HeavyWeight
Mid-Card - WCW Championship
Tag - Unified
Diva - Womens
That would be my setup. Which also would be why I wouldn't get laid for a while...but...hey...I'm bored at work and got nothing to really do so leave me alone...
With that said...I must go. Adios!
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites Leave a comment below and share with your friends. And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
I had a great time with my Mom, Sista Shannie, and my gorgeous little niece Alexis this week. Even though it's only been a few months, I missed my niece like crazy. She was the last thing holding me back from moving back to CT, and it was a hard thing to do. I'm happy I got to see her. She was just precious all week. I just love being around my little baby Lexi. She brings out so much love in me. Every time she says "Uncle Mike" I literally fall apart. Especially when she's screaming my name crying because she doesn't want to leave me. My best friend in all of the United States started crying when she saw that happen. It really is heartbreaking. But all in all I had an awesome week, it was filled with love and laughs and fun...oh and my birthday...which was nice. Wanna know what I did? Okay...I woke up to my sister calling me and she informed me that Joey Bricco my best friend in the world wide web was trying to get a hold of me. So after a few rounds of phone tag. He finally did. He asked me for a favor. He wanted me to go with him to pick up a special package! I told him I couldn't because it was my birthday and I made plans with my family who is visiting from Chicago. He insisted that I find a way to work around them. What was the mission? To pick up a certain fancy ring.
Why did I need to go? For my GPS. After refusing to go...I finally relented. I called my sister, and we pushed up our plans, so we got that in...now Joey and I went to Greenwich, CT and got the ring. It was a long drive, and when we got to the lady's house, she wasn't home! So we called her, and had to drive another 30 minutes to get to her...which if he didn't have me, wouldn't have been possible since the roads were QUITE CONFUSING. So I'm happy I decided to go! It was a nice time. Joey is my best friend and probably one of the only people I would give up my birthday for. The other is Emma Watson.
So I do that, and it was fine, Joey and I had a bunch of fun. After we got back, I went to The BattleHouse to go watch Ant Battle play Volleyball, though I was really going to watch Soccer. We did that and it was a nice time, but not before my DEAR and GORGEOUS friend EMILY expressed her displeasure over the fact that I didn't reply to her happy birthday text, and didn't seem to buy my excuse, which was that I was busy working on stuff on my phone with my book. The excuse was indeed a lie. I'll admit it. The truth was that I was using my GPS at the time to help Joey get his engagement ring and couldn't reply to any texts. I just couldn't tell her cause I didn't want to tell anyone Joey got the ring! So she didn't buy my excuse, I felt sorta bad, I mean she did send me a 3 message long text. She put thought into it and I ignored it, though for good cause. She also didn't like that I have never featured her in a blog in which 5 people read.
I'm featuring you Emily. You're funny. Schwartz, Roni Deutch, etc. etc. <3
CUTE BABY VIDEO!
That video makes me happy.
Now...with that said...I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. I know one guy did.
Now...this is tough for me to write about cause I feel it needs to be somewhat...censored...like in the images I block out his last name...in which I also use as a verb...so...just work with me here...
I'll just show you the images....here's what I found on my facebook last night.
So let's explain this little...um...post. First, let's look at the man who is sharing it. Awesome 'stache and even awesomer mullet. This guy is a huge fan of professional wrestling and goes to all of the independent shows that myself and my friends take part in. As a result we get a bunch of people such as Daniel there adding us on facebook. Well actually, I think I added him because I heard his status updates were ridiculously funny to read only because they never make sense. So that's what I did...and they've been good. The first thing was, apparently one of Daniel's sons broke up with his girlfriend, yet Daniel proceeded to call her out on facebook with a shit ton of grammatical errors. Including him trying to tag her in the posts but seemingly not being able to pull it off. IT was funny...But the above post takes the cake.
If you don't know...facebook now has these little spam-viruses that are videos. I started seeing ones like "OMG YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!" and you click on it, and the video never plays and then you get something on your wall that looks like you shared the video. Exposing you as someone who fell for it and tried to watch the video. Now, it's pretty much porn, such as the rape vid seen above. Daniel saw it on someone else's wall, so he clicked on it as well. But the video didn't work. He was pissed...he didn't notice it published to his wall that he tried watching the video...exposing him as someone who would want to watch this video....at around 2 am...he was so mad...that this happened...
Yep. He tried to play the video...not once...not twice...three times before giving up...all three clicks lead to 3 shares on his wall...showing that Daniel really really wanted to watch a brother rape his sister...after giving up...he posted this...
HAHAHAHA WHAT?!
This was tooooo funny. I had to post this. I just imagine, "Pretty Boy" Daniel trying to watch that video 3 times in a dark basement on a shitty computer in which the keyboard is loaded with crumbs and sticky stale soda. Then giving up, so he reflects on a nice night he had with his family on America's Birthday...in which the most American things possible happen, an owl flies by and a bobcat runs across the road. AMERICA!! FUCK YEAH!!! He's going to bed with a smile on his face, but not before "thank's"ing the armed forces.
Ridiculous.
This is all from a guy who has like 16 kids. From what I know all are adopted. One who is about 17 or so believes wrestling is real!
How real? REALLY REAL!
A few years ago a promotion called Ultimate Wrestling Dynasty ran an angle that Dan De Man stabbed Bobby Ocean. I don't remember how believable it looked, but i can tell you...it wasn't real.
Daniel's Son then talked to Joey Bricco and I at the following show...He told Bricco and I that he went and visited Bobby Ocean in the hospital, and that Bobby was all fucked up. He said that Bobby asked this kid to get vengeance on Dan De Man, and thanked this kid for having his back. Keep in mind this kid is HIGHLY uneducated and talked as if he was from the streets of Compton. Also, Keep in mind that as he told us this. Bobby Ocean was at the show, backstage. Bobby Ocean was never in the hospital...it was really one of the most retarded things I've ever heard come from a fan...and trust me I've heard a ton of retarded stuff. Now with this video that Daniel tried to watch 3 times...it just shows that the gullibility of things must run in the family.
That's about all the time I got for ya today, before I go I'd like to say thank's to you for reading, and that I am so very proud of my favorite owl Kathleen and most favorite bobcat Joey as they have gone and decided to go get married! Yep, my two best friends in the world are getting married. Hell yeah!
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites Leave a comment below and share with your friends. And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
I'm 47 minutes into my 25th year. Don't get confused...I'm 24, but this is now my 25th year of living. Figure it out yourself, I don't want to explain it.
I wish I would have thought about it sooner, so I'll just wait till next year, but I don't want people posting "happy birthday" on my facebook. If you want to wish me a happy birthday, call me. If you don't have my number, I don't think you're someone who I really need a "happy birthday" from.
Best birthday present ever? My niece being in town. Oh yeah, my mom and sister too...but...my niece is amazing. If I'm not too lazy...expect videos to come soon.
It appears that I'm going to college...so long as my financial aid crap goes through. More on this some other day.
Today is my birthday, so wanna know what you can do to make it a great one? "Like" my book "ROCK BEATS PAPER" on facebook by clicking here and keep checking that page for updates throughout the day to learn when my book launches on the KINDLE and NOOK. The book is only $0.99 in digital format! WHICH IS AMAZING...so AMAZING that I have to limit the amount of time the price is that low. So on July 30th...the price is going up to $6.99. So by the book soon!
Alright...on to some fun...
The other day my dear and gorgeous friend Courtney and I were having a quite pleasant conversation...and it lead to us going back and forth about things we don't like in this world. I'm posting the contents of said conversation here, not because I think it was hilarious, but because I really want some people to read it...and stop doing what Courtney and I dislike...so on to the dislikable shenanigans...
Artsy shot of my friend Courtney.
Courtesy of her facebook.
COURTNEY:
I don't like poop on my foot...orrr droughts orrr warm milk...I don't like sunburn...or too many freckles...
MIKE:
I have TOO many freckles....which is why I'm single.
COURTNEY:
I don't like Poison Ivy...or long toe nails...or people who blame their problems on anything that has nothing to do with them.
MIKE:
I don't like people who get jealous of babies that get more attention than them.
COURTNEY:
I don't like having one ear clogged so my hearing is annoyingly off balance.
MIKE:
I don't like buffalo wings...they make me uncomfortable...and I feel dirty after eating them.
COURTNEY:
I don't like that all frosting has trans fat in it...I don't like cellulite especially on skinny people...it is upsetting
MIKE:
I don't like drinks that sound good, but taste horrible...I don't like when ugly girls trick you on facebook by having a hot friend in the picture and somehow manage to crop themselves out of the thumbnail so when they comment on stuff THEY look like the hot one! Especially with today's facebook...you really have to try to get yourself cropped out of the thumbnail.
COURTNEY:
I don't like when people ask questions throughout a TV show or movie...commercials are the perfect time to play catch up.
MIKE:
I don't like when you tell someone you haven't seen a movie or TV show...or heard a song...and they go nuts on you...Alternatively I love going nuts on people when they say they haven't seen or heard something.
COURTNEY:
I don't like comedians who swear a lot and talk about sex in graphic detail...I don't find it funny.
MIKE:
I don't like being at a four-way Stop Sign and the person who has the right of way refuses to go, then you finally say "fuck it" and hit the gas pedal, but then they start to go so you have to abruptly stop, then THEY stop and you're back to square one.
COURTNEY:
I don't like people who put their blinkers on too late.
MIKE:
I don't like people who put their blinkers on to change lanes then never turn it off.
COURTNEY:
I don't like people who pull out in front of you when there are no cars behind you. Why can't they just wait for you to drive by?
MIKE:
I don't like when you haven't been working out and someone asks if you have been working out...it makes me feel like they are making fun of me...like "HEY FATASS YOU BEEN WORKING OUT? DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT FROM HERE!"
COURTNEY:
I don't like when people say "You look skinny. Have you been eating?" SHIT! No I haven't....I knew I forgot something!
MIKE:
I don't like when people you barely know talk to you about stuff like politics or religion as if they think you automatically follow their beliefs...So to avoid any debates you just nod your head and say "yep...sure is a crazy world."
COURTNEY:
I don't like when professors are so upset about you not attending class when they are getting paid the same amount of money either way.
MIKE:
I don't like when your phone is dead and you don't respond to a text...and by the time you get your phone on you have 23 texts from one person gradually growing more and more upset with you for not responding to their text...and by the 23rd text you've lost your girlfriend and you're heartbroken and you're single for the next three years....
COURTNEY:
I hate when you always take pictures of people but no one ever has a camera around to take pictures of you, so you have to take your own pictures of yourself...and I hate when you break your phone and lose all your contacts and can't get in touch with people to hang out, but are okay with it because you think they'll eventually text you or call you to hang out or say "hi" but they never do.
MIKE:
I hate when you find out a girl has sent nudes to a bunch of guys...but she won't send any to you...so you have to pretend you're working on an art project and you need a nude model...then the cops show up at your house with a restraining order because you started setting up a photo shoot on her back porch.
COURTNEY:
Ummm...Mikey...is that something you thought about doing and then your imagination also imagined the reprocussions?
MIKE:
Yes?
COURTNEY:
Alrighty then. Tata.
So that ended a little awkwardly. My bad.
I should be posting more in a bit...Check back soon...this blogger is gonna start blogging more.
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites Leave a comment below and share with your friends. And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
Well, it has been far too long ladies. You all have been asking, sometimes begging, sometimes sending me inappropriate pictures...with the words "Write A New Blog" Sharpie'd on your stomach...but I just haven't gotten around to it. I guess after writing a blog that was over 10,000 words...I burnt myself out. A lot's been going on, and upon reflection I wish I was keeping you posted as it's been happening...so...let's go back in time some...and see what we've been missing.
LIFE:
My niece went from calling me "Michael" to "Uncle Mike" it is the most beautiful thing I could possibly hear.
I became a split employee. Which means, I managed the computer store my brother and I opened, while also delivering pizza's for a Cobblestone Pizza right down the parking lot. It was interesting, and I find I quite enjoyed it.
I got arrested for possession of Marijuana. Not my proudest moment...but it happened...and I handled it like an adult. One humorous part of this however is that I have to pay a fine by July 29th, or I'll be put in jail...what is the fine for this possession charge? $420. Laugh.
I moved back to Connecticut for a job, then the job fell through...more on this later.
ENTERTAINMENT:
I've become quite fond of Karaoke. My favorite songs? "Under The Bridge" by RHCP and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.
I have been going back and forth on whether or not to return to wrestling...but in order to do it...or, that is to say...if I were to do it...I'd need to lose this weight I picked up in Chicago.
My book hasn't been doing well unfortunately. I think I've sold maybe five more copies since my last post.
I've gotten a handful of new shows I enjoy. The Walking Dead (AMC) Sons of Anarchy (FX) The Killing (AMC) Game Of Thrones (HBO) Parks and Recreation (NBC)...and I'm sure there's more but it's 9am. Cut me some slack.
WOMEN:
I miss my Mom.
I miss my Sister.
I REALLY miss my little Lexi...the most adorable little girl in the world.
I had a little time to think about stuff...right about now in the past couple of days you would have seen a story that pretty much exposed someone's dirty laundry I guess you could say.
That person threatened me so I took it down and replaced it with a more direct opinion towards them...but in the time since I've had time to do some thinking...and while I am still extremely upset with that person, she obviously in my opinion is going through a lot of hard times. I don't want to add to that. That's not what I'm about. Instead I'll just appreciate the time I had that was good with her...and leave her be to experience the consequences of the choices she's making. I once really cared about this person. I worried about her...but she has decided I am not the kind of person she wants in her life. I respect that, and respectfully back off from adding to the bull shit she is going through. I do not apologize for my comments. But I apologize for my actions. Not to her...to myself. That is not who I am, and I shouldn't have stooped to such a low.
MOVING ON THEN. LET'S TALK ABOUT REBECCA BLACK!
It is most definitely Friday, Friday. And I am looking forward to the weekend, weekend...
On one fateful Friday, the world was introduced to 13 year old Rebecca Black. Immediately her video for her first single "Friday" went viral, for the same reason many other videos do. Humans, specifically American Humans, love to watch a good Fail. This video had Fail Written all over it. I couldn't believe that a song so idiotic would be made. But upon looking into things, I found that the group that made the video pretty much make a video for anyone willing to pay for it. Pretty cool I guess. The epic amount of fail this video embodies is rare. From the annoying smile, to the annoying beat, the annoying lyrics, to the annoying cinematography, the annoying rapper who doesn't rhyme, to the 13 year old's driving around. There was so much fail that this girl could have likely just killed herself.
But that wasn't to happen. No. Instead this fragile 13 year old girl embraced the fail and has since gone on to carry out one of the most EPIC REDEMPTIONS in Internet Viral History. All the great fails in IVH have never recovered like young RB did. The lady who fell while stomping the grapes. Never recovered. The afro-ninja who fell flat on his face. Never recovered. The fat ass chick who fell off a table. Never recovered.
But Rebecca Black did, by teaming up with Funny or Die. I will post the videos here, but first let me just say this about Funny or Die.
I haven't been keeping up with Funny or Die since it's inception. I just haven't. There's a lot of original content, and most of it is over 3 mins long, I just want quick videos of people failing at life or winning, duh. I don't want 3 minute sketches with famous people...well...I do...but...not constantly...I'm rarely in the mood to hit up Funny or Die and mostly forget about it's existence. If I want to partake in lolz I head over to CollegeHumor. But I mostly go there for the user uploads, never the originals...the originals, I'll watch them if the title intrigues me, but mostly I'll pass on them. However where the CH team fails, the FoD team prospers. CH will take celebrities mainstream or viral(like Rebecca Black) and have one of their resident CH castmembers play them. Well FoD wins...becuase instead of dressing a guy or girl up to pretend to be Rebecca Black...they just went ahead and brought in Rebecca Black for a series of videos that wins so hard, you actually begin to appreciate her, and maybe even like her a bit...
The fact that she was able to take all of this hatred thrown her way and make these funny videos is truly a testament to her character. She laughs at herself with us and does an awesome job at it. This series of videos took probably the leading candidate for most annoying person of the year, and put her in the bottom three in that category. Because let's face it, even though she did these videos, her voice is still mega annoying. Nonetheless I give her props and respect. Awesome job FoD and RB.
Well...that's about all I have for today kiddies. Check back soon I'm sure I'll be posting more that I got the bug again.
Ciao.
I love you.
-Mike.
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites Leave a comment below and share with your friends. And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
I wonder if you missed me yesterday. Sorry. I had an internet mishap at the office, and by the time I got home my niece was just too cute to NOT play with! (awww, right? Aren't I just such an amazing guy?!) Thus, I didn't do up my little blog here. Today is different. Yes, very different. I am writing a blog.
Before we get started with today's featured story. Don't mind that description it's just me trying to sound coolI'd like to talk about a few things going on in my little head here. Firstly, it's tough to write a blog that I know is read by mostly women. I hate women. kidding. They've pretty much ruined my life. And would love to spend most of my energy bashing women for being such dirty whores. Such vile, and disease ridden whores. But I will bite my proverbial tongue and not really lash out on women...too much. In other news. I started watching two new shows this week upon finishing up what I had of "The Big Bang Theory." I started watching "Blue Mountain State" which is enjoyable, but not great. I sit through it, and laugh at it, but don't really need to watch the next episode. The other show I started to watch is another football related show; "The League" though this show is aimed at five guys and a wife who deal with family life through the football season while also spending too much time caring about their Fantasy Football league. I'm sure to you ladies, this sounds stupid. To defend it...firstly I will say it is on FX. That's right...they say "shit" and "pussy" pretty good stuff...but that's not THE reason to watch, this show is just flat out funny. And it is a show that I feel the need to continue watching after every episode. Not that I have a choice, since the next episode automatically plays on GOMplayer.
I'm only two episodes in, but I have already come upon this amazing concept that I have heretofore never heard of. The "Eskimo Brother." What is an Eskimo Brother you ask? I'll tell you...it's two guys who have had sex with the same girl. So any guy in the universe that has had sex with the same women that I have...are my Eskimo Brothers. The cool part is, we're supposed to hook each other up with free shit. For instance in one scene, the proprietor of this amazing concept "Taco" claims he gets free drinks at a bar because the bartender is his Eskimo Brother, then for the rest of the episode, he keeps getting hook-ups from other Eskimo Brothers. I would love for this to catch on...and be able to use it in my daily life...only problems are:
A) I live 860 miles away from any man who I have shared vaginas with.
B) I'm fairly certain none of them have anything to offer that I may benefit from. Sure there's tons of guys I don't really know...that I am Eskimo Brothers with...cause I have dated awesome girls who I was surprised to find out were ridiculously slutty...but I just don't know how I could find them all, and avoid being knocked out when telling them why they need to give me shit.
C) In what universe are all guys automatically cool with knowing another guy has fucked the same girl as them? I know most of the time when I find out guys that have stuck it to a girl I have, first thing I think is "oh great, that guy is probably huge, and rocked her world...totally unfair...I hate that guy." I'll probably never talk to that guy in my life.
Depressingly I don't think Eskimo Brothers will ever really benefit me...but it was cool as hell to discover...I just wish the world was more like television...
This has gone on long enough so let me get to what should be an extremely long post as it is. Now I know I usually do a "Stumble Of The Day" or at least, I started to. But not surprisingly, the stumble of the day is actually the post for today, meaning I will not be doing a stumble of the day today. Got it? On to the post:
100 Bull Shit Ways To Uncomplicate My Life.
I stumbledupon a site called "Live The Charmed Life" and more particularly I stumbledupon an article written by a single named lady named Deeanne. It was titled 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life. As I read through it I noticed that clearly a site called "Live The Charmed Life" is more than likely directed towards women. As was this list being that it was written by one. Well some of it is directed towards women. Most of it could be applied to anyone. However, mostly it seems like some stuck up twat decided to try to improve the lives of people. While also sounding like a complete fool. Here is the list in it's entirety and my reasoning for why it is complete BULL SHIT!
1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds
Does this bitch think there is a large enough portion of people out there who are trying excessively to do this in such a way that is over complicating their day to day life? Here's the number one sign someone is trying to read your mind. Their index and middle finger are at their temple, and their eyes are squinting. I don't see too many people doing that on a daily basis, so I wouldn't worry about this too much. Now with that said, I don't claim to be someone who knows all of the universe's ins and outs. There are scientists that don't know everything about the universe. They don't know all the answers...So I won't be ignorant here. I will acknowledge the possibility that there is a small minority who actually have telepathic abilities. If this was aimed at them, I can, and will respect that. To an extent. I can't imagine this being something that will be such a simple task. The person who came up with this step to "uncomplicate" a telepathic's life is a bitch-face. Who is this bitch to think that this would just be a simple task? I'm sure it would be nice to be able to NOT read minds for once as a telepath, but if I were one, and would have read this, I would be outraged and maybe even start a group on facebook about it to fight for my cause. Because everyone knows facebook is the answer to all life's problems.
2. Get up 30 minutes earlier so that you don’t rush/get a ticket while driving too fast/have to explain why you’re late/get fired
Fuck this. This isn't something that complicates my life. This is something that keeps my otherwise mundane life interesting. And to be perfectly honest, I find when I do wake up earlier, I end up being distracted by something or another and end up leaving at the same time I normally do anyway. So this is just a stupid suggestion. I refuse.
3. Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more clearly
I get 4 hours. Tops. And I think pretty clearly if I do say-so myself. And even if I don't think clearly, this is how I think, and I happen to like it, and wouldn't know any different, because to me my thought process is just fine. Would this busy body bitch Deeanne, who wrote this, tell a mentally challenged person to do something to make them think more clearly? No. And you know what? That mentally challenged person has no clue how clear or unclear they're thinking. They're experiencing what they know, and will never know a though process that is better or worse. I rest my case.
4. Stick to your budget
Okay, this is good advice. Create a budget for yourself and stick to it. That's really great. But does it really make life less complicated? On one side, if you don't have a budget for yourself, you are prone to overspending, that's a given. Score 1 to this Deeanne bitch. However, I'd say that having a budget could possibly restrict you from taking part in things you enjoy, so then you have no way to release any kind of shit that is coming up in life through self-therapeutic activities such as binge drinking or snorting some blow. This would just stress you out more and more, and especially if you're struggling to make ends meet as it is. Not only are you not enjoying life, but you're stressing that you can't really support yourself on your budget anyway! This is just a knife in your chest that keeps on being twisted. So fuck it. Go get wasted. You only live once. Score 1 to me!
5. Start saving and investing every week, no matter how little you can spare
This is a good idea, but it's almost the same exact thing as above. So now this bitch is just repeating herself though changing the words. I could probably guess that she could have made this list with 25-50 ways to uncomplicate your life and ultimately become a boring person, but she wanted to have 100, so she reworded a bunch of them. Let's see how the rest goes.
6. Balance your checkbook
I suck when it comes to money, but, I don't even know what that means. Balance it? On what? My forehead? My penis? I mean pencil! Really though...this is ridiculous. This bitch who has never been laid probably wrote the budget idea, then was like "oh, let's stick with the money saving theme" and came up with two more identical suggestions.
7. Don’t try to be friends with everyone. Cultivate closer relationships with fewer people.
Why cultivate? That sounds scary. Or hard. Why not "create stronger...?" I'll tell you why...because this bitch is a direct descendant from Hitler. Which is why she only gave her first name when submitting this shit! I'm not one to get off topic...so...I digress. Why would I do this? I don't want 10 friends on facebook! I'll take those ten friends, then add 340 more people, and enjoy not giving a fuck about their lives. This isn't a complication. To be honest it's a stress reliever. One of my favorite things to do is to find a post about drama pertaining to someone I could give two shits about. This happens often since 97% of my friends on facebook are people I don't give a shit about. Then, I think of something mean to say, that would make them feel like the stupid piece of shit they are. And I post it. Yay for me and my depression cure! I'd probably be addicted to heroine right now if I didn't have that outlet. If I listen to this bitch...I will be addicted to heroine. How does that uncomplicate my life?
8. Don’t try to do business with everyone. Identify your target client and take very good care of them.
This can't be elaborated on? Hell this can't even really be directed towards everyone on here...Okay...so I take very good care of this one client...then what? Once my work is done, then what? Find another client, meanwhile spending whatever money I can after balancing my checkbook, creating a budget that I stick to and saving and investing every week? Fuck that. How about I have 20 clients I treat pretty well, but pull the wool over their eyes making them think I am treating them like as if the ground they walk on is made of gold. Make shitload of money from all of them at once, then have shitloads of money to spend while working with the next 20 clients. I win. Fuck off!
9. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years
Does anything really matter in 20 years? Other than having kids, nothing ever matters in 20 years. Well, on an individual life scale. Obviously WWII fucked a bunch of shit up, let's not even talk about slavery. You know what? No...let's talk about slavery. That happened how long ago? Would this have worked on people then? Would this bitch have said "Look my servants! Don't be mad that I don't feed you properly! It won't matter in 20 years! Likely because you will all be dead from terrible living conditions! So don't be upset!" No fucking way. That shit mattered then, and apparently, though the reason is lost on me...it matters now. But look at 9/11...let's not pretend that it means as much now as it did then. I know this country tries to make it seem as though it is as significant to us as it once was, but it isn't. Of course, it's almost 10 years, not 20, so I expect by 2021, we will have all but forgotten about it. And if you buy into all the 2012 shit, then...this whole argument is moot since nothing will matter in about 2 years. Hooray Apocalypse!
10. Focus on being a good person, not on pleasing others
Is there any way to be a good person and not please others? And don't we only want to be good people in order to be treated well in return, ultimately through pleasing others? This fortune cookie shit isn't working with me. If I am focusing on being a good person. I damn well better be pleasing others, otherwise, my focus is worth shit. If I'm focusing on being a good person, and everyone around me thinks I am a terrible person, then maybe I was confused as to what being a good person means! In my opinion they should be pleased with my efforts. So what the fuck does this mean!?
11. Stay home this Saturday, and finish off that nagging chore that you need to finish
Okay, I'll stay home this Saturday and finally clean out my room. Great idea. Until I find out the girl who I've been seeing, though not officially, is going to the party I was supposed to go to. She got wasted and fucked some guy who then infected her with herpes. Great. That could have been me. The...guy...not...the one getting fucked and catching the herp...you know what? Let's move on...
12. Kiss and make up
This is another one that needs specifying. Because right after reading this, I went to the gas station in which I just flipped out at the clerk for not taking the $25 in quarters for gas. I told him I hope he would die a horrible death...like...from getting hit in the head and then dying from a brain aneurysm in 43 years. I felt horrible about it. This made me go over there. I went behind the counter and grabbed him by the cheeks. Face, not butt...and kissed him. I then spent over 45 minutes explaining to the police it wasn't my fault. it was fault of Deeanne, the stupid bitch who wrote this list. I'm never allowed in that gas station again...which sucks because it's the only gas station within walking distance of my job.
13. Make a weekly menu, and shop for only those items at the market
If I wanted the same old boring food every week, I would eat at Panera Bread.
14. Ask your grandparents the best way to uncomplicate life, and try it for a month
How insensitive is this? I don't have grandparents. They all died...My grandfather on my mother's side died the day I was born. This is just so insensitive to the people that don't have grandparents. I'm starting a facebook group about this too!
15. Fill up your gas tank when it’s half full
I don't think this is a legitimate thing that could make my life less complicated. Why would this even be on the list? And if this is the type of shit that was posted at number 16, how did she think of 84 more suggestions that were worthy. And that's being generous as if to say the first 15 before this one were worthy. I don't have much else to say here. This one is dumb. It wasn't the first dumb one. Won't be the last.
16. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad
So...then...what's the point? I drink alcohol when I'm tired to help me fall asleep. I drink it when I'm sad to enable shameless bitching. I drink it when I'm mad so it doesn't hurt when I punch solid objects. When should I drink alcohol? When I'm happy? Why? So I can start getting the spins and ruin my night, and probably spend the rest of it throwing up violently? That's a terrible idea. You're a terrible person...Deeanne
17. Pay your bills on time
What? I'm proud to be an American damnit! And if America can't do shit like get the soldiers out of Iraq on time (which I believe was supposed to be about 3 years ago) Then I don't think I have to pay my bills on time!
18. Get an annual physical examination
Easy for you to say, Deeanne. You don't have to turn your head and cough. You know what REALLY turns me off about that process? They wear gloves. How offensive! Where do you think my testicles have been doctor? More importantly, how does ADDING something to my annual schedule alongside 4:20...Thanksgiving...Christmas...and those 8 days I pretend to be Jewish supposed to make my life less complicated? Deeanne, I'm starting to think you don't know SHIT about life. Or making it less complicated.
19. Say “I love you” to your significant other and to your children. Studies show that more marriages last, and fewer kids use drugs, when these words are spoken every day.
I'm not saying you're wrong, Deeanne...but it's easy to type "Studies show..." Watch: Studies show that you're a stupid bitch. There were no studies done, but it's hardly ever disputed. No one will wonder if a study actually show this...this is one of the few things in society that people hardly ever contest. Here's what I'd like to see. I'd like to see your resources. Where was this study done, and who conducted it...and for how long? How was it done. What was the control? A family that said I love you once a day? Did a scientific group force one family to never say those words, then find that all the children became sluts and junkies? How did the scientists feel about that? Did any of them hook up with the slut? This is vital information. I demand you present it to the public.
20. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good because most people’s are
No. That's how a shitload of people get taken advantage of:
"Hey Clark, here's a box of donuts!"
"Why thank you kind si---"
"HAHA! It was kryptonite!"
And that's how Superman died kids.
21. Give away clothes that haven’t been worn in two years
For free? That's a terrible idea. Before you were telling us to do investing, but then all the investment I put into buying those clothes is a loss. Horrible planning. I'm not running a charity here, Deeanne. And if it's all tax deductible, wouldn't that make my filing of said deductions on my taxes more complicated, thus making my life more complicated, thus making this suggestion counter productive. You have to think things through Deeanne. This is why no one loves you.
22. Throw out clothes that are in disrepair, and can’t be mended
Now, these I will give away. Because I'm throwing them out. Who cares if they're in horrible shape and may or may not be filled with dry semen. I don't think the people getting these clothes are in any position to care about fashion.
23. When you have a conflict with someone, talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.
I find talking it out to be counterproductive. Most of the time if I just let it go the problem will just go away. However, when talking about it...it grows into an argument over who ate who's hot pocket...and then a room mate gets shot in the face. Don't believe me? You need to watch Cops more.
24. Know what your priorities are in life, and act as if they are your priorities
Huh? This is like defining a word with the word you're defining. Fighting is when two people fight. If I know what my priorities are in life, chances are, they're going to be acted upon as if they're my priorities. Now, I can't say that I take my priorities seriously. But that's how I act with my priorities. That's how everyone acts with their priorities. So this was a wasted suggestion. Deeanne, you really are a dumb bitch.
25. Tell the truth 26. Don’t cheat 27. Don’t steal
I grouped these together. Let me make this really clear. I honor the dead. I respect the dead. And I respect their wishes. A dying man (though he didn't know he was dying at the time) lived by a motto of "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" That man was Eddie Guerrero. He died probably wearing a shirt that said the same thing. Furthermore, telling the truth might be complicating things. Your best friend asks if you're sexually attracted to her. You tell the truth...shit gets complicated. Cheating...I'm not a fan of it. But...hey...to each his or in most cases her own. And stealing...I don't think anyone who is currently into theft would read that and be like "Oh, yes...Deeanne says not stealing shit would make my life less complicated. Okay" This was dumb. This list is dumb.
28. If you’re holding a ridiculous grudge, let it go
This is dumb advice as well. Why hold any grudge at all? Some guy fucked my girlfriend. I didn't hold a grudge with either of them. I just stabbed myself in the leg. Bled all over my girlfriend's house and said the fucking prick who was banging my slut of a girlfriend stabbed me. I win. Though the hospital bill was a lot.
29. Clean your house weekly, so that it doesn’t become too large a chore
No fucking way this makes things less complicated. This is like saying saving a dollar a day is better than saving seven a week. Or writing 20 things 100 different ways and calling it a list of 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life. You're cleaning the same amount. Why not put it off until you're ready to stay home one Saturday and take care of a chore you've been putting off? Oh wait, wasn't that one of the things on this list? This is starting to contradict itself isn't it, Deeanne? You stupid bitch.
30. Do your best at work, or at school
This is just a good thing to do in order to not become a loser. Which means this belongs on a list of things to do in order to avoid becoming a loser. This in no way makes life less complicated directly. Though you do run the risk of having financial troubles in the future...to which if you're pessimistic could make life complicated and miserable.
31. Don’t eat when you aren’t humgry
Holy fuck Deeanne? What are you a nutritionist all of the sudden? And what the fuck does "Humgry" even mean? To make this SIMPLE. I'm not hungry six times a day. But that's what is widely known as a healthy thing to do. Eat six times a day. So why don't you leave this shit to the people who have dedicated their lives to health and you just go back to knitting a sweater for your cat.
32. Eat when you are hungry
See Above. With an added note that you tend to get fatter if you only eat when you're hungry because then you're inclined to eat more, at wider intervals. This will ultimately complicate your life when you're obese and die from it!
33. Be yourself
As opposed to what? Stealing people's identities? I don't have much of an option other than to be myself. If you meant, "don't act how people expect you to," then that's what you should have said!
34. Say no unapologetically
Oh sure, then deal with everyone calling me a dick. Great advice Deeanne.
35. Cook simple meals
That were only on my boring ass menu from before right? In other words. "Put no passion into the meals you cook for your family that you love so much. Just throw something together and call it a night!"
36. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses
You ignorant bitch. Deeanne, I don't know who the fuck the Joneses are, I'm assuming they're your neighbors...and...just because you don't try to be like them, don't put it on a list you intend to release to the public and just assume we'll know who the fuck the Joneses are. We don't know your life. And judging by this poorly structured list. We don't want to.
37. Pay off your car before buying a new one
More terrible advice from our resident annoying bitch, Deeanne. What if a man's wife asked him for a car, what is he supposed to say? "Sorry, sweetheart, even though we can afford a second car, I can't get you one so that we can finally sign our kids up for all their activities since you'll be able to take them...nope, can't do it...I'm still paying for our current car...and Deeanne from Living The Charmed Life said it would make my life too complicated. Sorry." Horse Shit, Deeanne. Total Horse Shit.
38. Organise your desk at the office
Wow. You spelled organize wrong. Wow. You really are a stupid bitch who didn't even think to spell check her shit. I hate you. What's worse is why the fuck would this make my life less complicated? Maybe my workday...but not my life. If all my life has gone to shit, I highly doubt and "organised" desk would bring me any solace.
39. Change your smoke alarm batteries when the clock springs forward, and when it falls back
This wouldn't make my life less complicated in the totality of my life. It would just be a good idea in case there's a fire in the house. Third degree burns may complicate my life, but then again, my sex life is pretty dull and I hear there's a fetish community for burn victims.
40. Organise your important paperwork
That's assuming I have any important paperwork to "organise." The problem overall with this list is that it's not broad enough. Some of these focus solely on women. Some of these focus on working people. Some of these focus on married couples or parents. It's not something that everyone can look at and apply. Which is a shame, because a list like that might save lives.
41. Take only half the clothes that you planned to take with you on holiday
Oh yes. Great. So when you meet the person of your dreams you start panicking because you didn't bring the outfit that you look AMAZING in because in trying to simplify packing you over-complicated the "take/leave" process and made bad decisions. Leaving you with a shitload of pop-culture t-shirts and one pair of jeans, sweatpants, and your father's completely un-stylish swimming trunks that you grabbed in a frenzy. Seems like this complicates things more.
42. Help your children with their homework every night, and have an open dialogue with their teachers
Few things. First, this is one of those focused suggestions that not everyone can apply to their lives. Second, I'm surprised, based on the structure of this list so far, that this wasn't split up into 2 different suggestions. Also isn't this a bit more complicating than just letting your children play with their toys while you watch primetime television? Yep.
43. Have white sheets and white towels in children’s rooms, because they’re easily bleached
I got nothing.
44. Spend your time with nice peopleBRILLIANT! I knew there was something wrong in my life...I just couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't realize I was spending my time with mean people. Ugh, this is so annoying. I have no idea what this means! Deeanne I wish I could get inside you. er...uh...your brain...cause I just imagine you were sitting there writing this one and smiling because you just blew someone's mind. You're such a stuck up, self indulgent bitch. I despise you.
45. Avoid dramaSee above. Deeanne is a Whore.
46. Don’t text or talk on the phone while drivingThis won't make my life less complicated. Though I do imagine the first thing I would say after being ejaculated from the car through the windshield and splooging on the pavement would be "Well, my life just got complicated." This would just make my life last longer and I would be safer. That's all. It's not more complicated than that Deeanne, no reason to make it so!
47. Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers
This is true. But they're so damn entertaining. My main problem with this is that you're telling me to turn off the computer because it's time consuming. Coming from the bitch who took the time to type up 100 useless things, post it online, and check often to see if anyone...also on computers...validated her propaganda. Fucking hypocrite.
48. Don’t engage in office politics
What if you're a politician? What do you do then? Uh-oh...Deeanne is a stupid bitch.
49. Refuse to gossip, or talk behind other people’s backs
I would say that most of my conversations consist of this. In fact...most of my friendships are based around the ability to do this well. What's more fun than being out with friends and being around people you dislike, then talking shit about them? I don't think there's anything more fun than that. How about restating this more accurately. My life's complications would not decrease as a result of this. Instead maybe you should tell the people that are so easy to gossip about and talk shit about, to be less of a douche in order to make their lives less complicated. I'm enjoying my life in this way, the people I'm talking about however are not. Speak to them, not me.
50. Do the dishes right after dinner
Right after my simple dinner? My shitty simple dinner off of my stupid fucking menu? No. By the time it's time to do the dishes, I'm miserable and would much rather drink myself happy and drown in my own vomit Crash Holly style. Yeah. I went there.
51. Never go to sleep angry
If I followed this I would never sleep. I always go to sleep angry, because every time I go to sleep it just validates that I'm not a vampire. How the fuck will a girl like me if I'm not capable of sucking her blood? My life sucks.
52. Ask nicely for what you need and want
Wow! FAIL! Deeanne...you overlooked something major here. IF one asks for something, they must give something in return. This is called a debt. Having a debt towards someone could complicate that relationship and life. How about instead of asking for something you need or want like a little bitch. You take what you need and want like an American mother fucker!
53. Walk 10,000 steps per day to help your heart
Yes. Because counting every fucking step you take isn't a complicated thing to do!
54. Do 20 push-ups before speaking in anger
Come on. This is really ridiculous. Like I would stop in the middle of an argument to bang out 20 push-ups then stand back up and speak angrily. This is just plain old stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
55. Leave work at work
I can only assume you're speaking geographically. There's no other way to leave work, than while you are at work. I don't understand how this applies to life's complications. What is going on? This list should have been finished at number 10.
56. Don’t befriend anyone that isn’t trustworthy
Yep, this is something people do! People go out of their way to befriend people that aren't trustworthy. You are quite profound Deeanne. You slut.
57. Don’t envy others
Why not? If someone has something I want, I can't help but acknowledge how lucky he is and how awesome it must be to be him. If anything it will make me motivated to do whatever necessary to achieve such luxuries. Fuck this one. Fuck it. Hard. Without lube.
58. Have your oil changed
Okay. Random. Life is simpler now that my car's okay.
59. Take vitamin C before you catch a cold I never know when I'm catching a cold. Otherwise I wouldn't be catching colds. Because I would take vitamin C. Speaking of Vitamin C...where the fuck did she go? One minute she's on top of the world for her anthem to all high school graduating classes. The next she's no where to be found. Not even on Celebrity Rehab or anything I would expect her to pop-up for. Speaking of pop-up stuff and Celebrity Rehab that airs on VH1. What the fuck happened to pop-up video? That was the best. Taught me so much shit I never cared to know. Like MC Hammer's famous parachute pants were actually purchased from a homeless guy for a bottle of Jack...to which that guy then brushed his teeth. Years later his illegitimate child would sing about it and become a huge star named Ke$ha, using the dollar sign as both a tribute to her dad, and an insult to MC Hammer, who within years was bankrupt. What the fuck am I talking about?
60. Don’t work more than 8 hours per day
"Yeah...overtime blows..."
61. Weed your garden weekly
WHO THE FUCK HAS A GARDEN!?
62. Wash your car weeklyGreat idea. Take time out of your hectic week to complicate things by spending over an hour washing your car...which will make life less complicated...because it looks shiny and new, and you won't have to be reminded that you're broke, and your wife is fucking the UPS guy.
63. Have a spring cleaning month every year, and do one room at a time
I don't know if she means...Have a spring cleaning month every year, and each year only do one room, which seems illogical...or...if she means, when cleaning the entire house in that one month, only do one room at a time, which, seems wasteful if you have 5 people living in the house. Either way, I think this is something that naturally would just get taken care of, and focusing on how to do it more effectively rather than just getting down and doing it, could be more complicated than it needs to be. Stupid Deeanne bitch.
64. You don’t need to be best friends with work colleagues, but build respectful partnerships
This is cold. I get it. In a work environment, everyone's looking to get ahead, so don't get too close and reveal too much about yourself, because it can and likely will be held against you so that the person exposing you can get ahead in the company. But really, if I work at Staples...I don't think I'm in much danger of being taken off of the register because some guy told my manager I made out with a girl named Adam.
65. Don’t drink and drive
This is just too funny. This list, could have been great...if focusing on little nit-picky habits a lot of people have that would make life easier if we kicked. Stuff like, "wear slip on shoes instead of laced." That's a nice suggestion which anyone could use if they so wish. But telling us not to drink and drive is just so over the top. I don't get it. People tell me not to drink and drive...they say "Mike, don't drive drunk." And I say "oh, let me watch you fuck a goat." 'Cause I'm drunk and I get really into bestiality. But they tell me its dangerous. I say fuck that...tell me one person who's died driving drunk! And they tell me their cousin was killed by a drunk driver. Exactly. I'm drunk...I'm not in danger. I'm fine. In fact I say driving drunk is the safest form of transportation. Other than flying.
66. Don’t look for reasons to be angry or sad, look for reasons to be happy. You’ll always be able to find plenty of each.
But no one gives anyone attention when they're happy. People only tend to pretend they care about people if they're angry or sad.
67. Be friendly with your neighbours
I'm a bit confused here Dee. You said not to keep up with the Joneses whom I more than likely correctly pinned as your neighbors. However, you're telling me to be friendly with them? Whatever. I try...but I swear my neighbors are still trying to figure out what the fuck a white family be doin' in they hood.
68. Return emails and phone messages promptly
No way. There's a reason why I don't check my e-mails and why I let it go to voicemail. I also think doing so would look desperate. I never say "Hey...I just got your message." I don't like how that makes me look. Instead I wait two days...SCREENPLAY TIME!
INT. MIKE'S ROOM - DAY
It's a nice summer day. The trees are making a beautiful noise as the leaves sway to and afro. Cause afro is funnier. MIKE picks up his cell phone, deciding to finally return a call from a message he received from his friend OLIVER two days before...
MIKE
Hey man...I got your message.
OLIVER
Yeah man, that was two days ago I needed you to call me.
MIKE
My bad bro...soooo....what's up?
OLIVER
What's up? What's up is my dad died.
MIKE
Oh...wow...uh...
OLIVER
Yeah...
MIKE
This is probably bad timing and all...but...um...today's my birthday...and....
OLIVER
(taken back maybe shocked)
What? Really dude...now?
MIKE
No...no...I mean...Sorry for your loss and everything I'm just saying...you know...it's my birthday...
Oh, thanks man, so much it's gonna be a good one...me and a bunch of the guys are going to be going out to Dunn's
OLIVER
(crying)
Dunn's!? That was my Dad's favorite bar.
MIKE
(under his breath
Buzzkill.
OLIVER
WHAT?!
MIKE
Nothing. It should be a good time though
OLIVER
Yeah...cool what time? I could use a few drinks...
MIKE
Oh...uhhhhhh...yeah....
OLIVER
What? Am I...not invited?
MIKE
Oh I mean...you are...you...could come, sure...the thing is though...I'm banging your ex, and...I just feel like...I mean it's my birthday man, I don't want any drama...
OLIVER
No...I get it...
MIKE
No...hear me out. I don't want...you know...you being there...sulking like a little bitch cause your dad just croaked then Stacy...who has great tits by the way! I have no idea why you would fuck shit up with her...anyway...I don't want her feeling all bad and giving you a pity fuck.
OLIVER
You think she'd do that?
MIKE
I don't know dude, do you think she would put your father's death before my birthday?
OLIVER
Maybe.
MIKE
Nope. Gotta go. Pregaming! Peace bitch.
OLIVER
Dick.
Well that was a fun little exercise
69. Schedule in free time
HOW DARE YOU, DEE?!?! On top of my daily routine I had before reading your demonic list...then if listening to you, having to now adhere to getting 8 hours of sleep, planning, and sticking to a budget, investing, balancing checkbooks, "cultivating closer relationships with people, taking care of a client, wondering if the shit that you do that pisses me off will matter in 20 years, focusing on being a good person, staying home on a Saturday to do a chore, kissing random gas station clerks, shopping for my shitty weekly menu, digging up the remains of my grandparents to ask them the best way to do what your list was supposed to accomplish, going to the gas station more often to fill it up every half tank, going to AA so I don't have to drink as much anymore, paying my bills on time, getting annual physicals, telling my wife and kids I love them, imagining people's intentions are good, giving away and throwing out old clothes, talking out all of my conflicts, figuring out then acting upon all of my priorities, go against Eddie Guerrero's last wishes, trying to not hold grudges, cleaning my house weekly, doing my best at work or school, not eating when I'm not hungry, but eating when I am, being myself, saying no unapologetically, cooking unpassionate and dull meals, not keeping up with your neighbors whom I never met and could very well be great people, paying off my car before buying a new one, "organising" my desk, taking only half the clothes on vacation, helping my children with homework and keeping in touch with their pretentious teachers, changing my smoke alarm batteries, "organising" my paperwork, making sure there's a constant supply of white sheets and white towels in the kids' room, spending time with nice people, while avoiding drama, not texting or talking on the phone while driving, not paying attention to the world by avoiding TV/games/computers, not engaging in office politics, refusing to gossip, doing dishes right after dinner, never going to sleep angry, asking people nicely for shit, walking 10,000 steps every day, doing 20 push-ups during arguments, leaving work at work, not making friends with the untrustworthy, not envying others, having my oil changed, listening to Vitamin C's greatest hits, not working more that 8 hours a day, weeding my garden every week, washing my car every week, spending a month out of the year cleaning my house, not forming friendships with colleagues, not drinking and driving, avoiding emotions other than happiness, being friendly with your neighbors the Joneses, and returning phone calls and e-mails...on top of all of that...you now expect me to just randomly find free time? hm? You are a crazy fucking bitch, Dee....
I'm beginning to like you.
70. Don’t procrastinate
If I do this, it will start tomorrow.
71. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it
This is okay to do once in a while, I guess...but if I do this all the time, then everyone will expect this type of performance from me on a regular basis, and I just don't want that kind of pressure. It's annoying. And could cause complications, which we are trying to avoid of course!
72. Be more flexible when you’re able to be
FINALLY I agree with you Dee. I've been telling my girlfriends this all of my life. If I have a fantasy...you damn well be able to flex in any way necessary. I don't care if you think it's weird I have a pretzel fetish.
73. Forgive and forget. End of story.
Forget everything? It's easy to forgive. I'll give you that. But forgetting...oh man...forget about it! pun intended. Seriously...Dee, do you realize how hard it is to forget? I am reminded of shit all the time just by simply looking at something. I saw one of my ex-girlfriends recently. You think I wasn't thinking about her pierced nipples? It's hard to forget shit. Even if I'd like to forget shit. You can't. I'll forget stuff that I'd like to remember...like where I put that bag of weed I had last week. But I hardly forget stuff that I'd like to. You think I want to remember the time when I was nine-years-old and my mother introduced me to our new priest and I wanted to be funny so I started undressing, and my mother asked what I was doing and I said "Mom, don't worry this is what they're into," then looked at the priest and said "right?" at which point I started to laugh. I thought it was funny. My mother didn't think it was funny. The priest didn't think it was funny...then later I didn't think it was funny when Father O'Malley stuck his dick in my mouth. You just can't forget some things. Oh shit...Come to think of it...I think I swallowed that bag of weed cause I thought the tow-truck was the cops. Yeah...it's funny how you end up remembering things. I remembered sucking Father O'Malley's cock...which he forced me to swallow...and...voila...I swallowed the weed.
74. Break the consumerism habit…put a three month moratorium in place on buying anything not deemed a necessity
I have no fucking idea what moratorium means...and I am far too lazy to look it up. And if it's what I assume it is, of putting a hold on buying cool shit for 3 months...then I ask you Dee...what good is it going to do when I take all the money I've been saving like you instructed, and blow it in 2 hours as a result of underspending for 3 months. This is America. We don't underspend.
75. Start your diet on September 1, rather than January 1, so that you won’t also have holiday pounds to lose
I thought you said "Don't Procrastinate."
76. Take care of any health issues or concerns
As Soon As Possible? Because that would be contradicting what you said before. An unhealthy diet is just that...unhealthy...and if I wait until September 1st to start a healthy diet...that is called procrastination. You bitch.
77. Have your tires rotated 78. Have your brakes checked 79. Have your eyes checked
Oh my God. You literally are just thinking of anything now. Really? This shit is supposed to make my life less complicated. So far you've given me 79...rules to now live by, which I have to keep track of and complicate my life with. This is terrorism. Right? You're making it out like you're trying to better our lives...but in reality you're ruining it. I hate you Dee. I hate you. What is Dee short for anyway? Deehallah Mussan? Fucking terrorist. Wait...nevermind. It's short for Deeanne...but I bet your last name is Bin Laden.
80. Don’t let your imagination run away with you
Yes...great advice...and then there would be none of the amazing films and books that billions of people enjoy. This might be the most disturbing thing you've ever said Deeanne Bin Laden.
My Mom & Dad Had Sex Brother!
Why are trying to rob people of using their imagination. It's near impossible to not let your imagination run wild like Hulkamania. Without imagination there wouldn't even be a Hulk Hogan because no one would have imagined sex. And without sex there'd be no babies. Is that what you want Dee? No babies?
81. Let go of perfection in others 82. Let go of perfection in yourself
These two are good. This really should be the only two on the list. I hope you're happy. You could have written a list of 2 Ways To Uncomplicate Your Life...and it would have been so much more profound and useful than wasting our time with a list of 2 useful things and 98 retarded things. Furthermore, you wasted everyone who is reading this blog's time...because I wouldn't have written this ridiculously long post.
83. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves
This one isn't altogether bad. But if everyone listened to this...there wouldn't be nursing homes for kids to just leave their parents because they never grew out of their "I'm too cool for my parents" phase...there wouldn't be that show on A&E called Intervention...cause no one would try to intervene on the junkie's life choice...and that would be a shame because that show is entertaining as hell. It's so funny when those people just inject themselves with heroine then start drooling and rolling their eyes and licking the mirror...hahaha...what are they doing? They're funny. They're crazy...why do they do that?
84. Find a way to reduce your commute to work
The only way I can do that is build a teleportation device. Working backwards...I can get a monster truck...just plow through shit...or I can build an underground tunnel...but I'd probably need to get a permit. I can spread an airborne pathogen that could infect all of mankind so that I won't be stuck in traffic and can speed...but then...upon getting to work...I'd have no customers...and after getting paid...I'd have nowhere to cash it. HA! Listen to me. I'm the only one alive mother fuckers...I won't need money. The world is mine. Speaking of owning the world...Dogs have it MADE! The world is their toilet...how crazy is that!?
85. Have an alloted amount of worry time per day/week, that you strictly abide by
Yes because if nothing else, curling up in a corner and crying for three hours per day is manly. Stupid terrorist bitch. Also...you spelled "Allotted" wrong.
86. Drink more water
What if I already drink the suggested 8 cups a day? What if I drink more than that already? You do know if you drink too much water in a certain time...you die. You die. Of course...these days...they say everything kills you...Do you know that if you eat 9 Oreo cookies, drink a chocolate milkshake and also eat a steak within a 36 hour period your stomach will implode? It's true...studies show it.
87. Eat more salmon
No. I will not. Fuck off.
88. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
I don't even think this is possible without some extra dirt or something. It just seems highly unlikely...So...we will just add this to the already large list of pointless things this dumb slut of a terrorist is suggesting I do to better my currently kick ass no need for improvement life.
89. Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style
Oh like you? And not get any sex for the next couple of years before realizing that you have singlehandedly ruined my life.
90. Finish what you start
I do. That's how I have a novel out. "Rock Beats Paper"...it's on Amazon...it's also why my sister is being a fucking bitch to me right now because she wants to watch Jersey Shore and I won't let her until I'm done with this so that I can watch it too. Don't hate...that fucking show is hysterical. TEE SHIRT TIMEEE!
91. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style
See #89. Slutty ass terrorist whore face. Ugh. I'm going to end you Deeanne Bin Laden.
92. Create a daily routine
Oh my fucking GOD! If I were to do everything you've suggested here...I'd have no fucking choice. You have given me more than I could even imagine taking interest in doing...most of it is likely to send me down a terrible road that could cause me to end my life in a miserable fashion. Possibly naked in a public place...during the winter...so there's shrinkage and shit...
93. Have a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year plan for your financial and life goals
I think my time would be better utilized if I were to just go after those goals instead of trying to figure out what I'm doing in 20 years...which supposedly nothing I do now will matter...according to this bitch.
94. Slow down
THIS IS A NEIGHBORHOOD!...
Lost? revert to the following video:
With that said, this is the worst of them all. Could Dee B.L. be any more vague? Slow down from what? I care not to think about that which she intends to imply by slow down, thus I move on...with great speed...
95. Eat out less often
No woman would ever say that. Most girls I know...save one (you know who you are!) would ask me to eat out more. Especially cause I have a tongue ring!
96. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked
I...can't...even....this is so sexist...and...stupid...just...die Dee. Die.
97. Allow your children to grow up
Sure...cause we can always keep them at the awesome age of 7. No one has a choice...kids are going to grow up...there's no allowing. However, as parents, we can allow them to experience life and grow maturely through dealing with their own shit. That's called...letting them live a life...not letting them grow up. This proves you don't have children, Dee...because you are a smelly terrorist, who has terrible cooking skills, horrible hair, and lame clothes. You never have sex. You suck big time!
98. Clean out your garage, and donate anything that hasn’t been used in the past year
This kind of goes back to the donating clothes thing. Especially if I have a car in there that hasn't worked in a year because I don't have the money to fix it...because I don't work any overtime...because in order to keep my life simple...I work no more than 8 hours a day.
On a funny note...if I were to literally do this...I'd be cleaning out my brother's room.
99. Stretch every day
And then what? Life just is automatically less complicated. Such a dumb bitch.
100. If a relationship is over, let it go
Finally one I agree with...Stop calling me you crazy bitch!
But really though...if I get dumped...it's my right having invested months and months of energy, emotion, and hopefully semen into the relationship...I have the right to fight to keep it. I usually lose after looking pathetic...but...I see how this could make things less complicated...so at least you finished on a strong note Dee.
Wow...holy shit...finally I'm done. This took me a lot longer to type than I thought. I figured I'd write a few lines for each...but...holy shit I can just...go and go and go...is this what it's like hanging out with me? I just go on and on and on? Hell...I hope this is what it's like having sex with me. That'd be nice.
Anyway...I don't really know how to end this. I'm exhausted...and hope I never write a blog this long again.* If you've read all the way through this...I thank you so much. You must be pretty fucking bored. Either way, I love you. With that. I bid all of you adieu.
-Mike
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites Leave a comment below and share with your friends. And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
*There are almost 10,000 words in this entry. That's 1/6th of my novel. How fucking crazy is that? It's also as many steps I should take every day!
