Hey Ladies.
I wonder if you missed me yesterday. Sorry. I had an internet mishap at the office, and by the time I got home my niece was just too cute to NOT play with! (awww, right? Aren't I just such an amazing guy?!) Thus, I didn't do up my little blog here. Today is different. Yes, very different. I am writing a blog.
Before we get started with today's featured story. Don't mind that description it's just me trying to sound cool I'd like to talk about a few things going on in my little head here. Firstly, it's tough to write a blog that I know is read by mostly women. I hate women. kidding. They've pretty much ruined my life. And would love to spend most of my energy bashing women for being such dirty whores. Such vile, and disease ridden whores. But I will bite my proverbial tongue and not really lash out on women...too much.
In other news. I started watching two new shows this week upon finishing up what I had of "The Big Bang Theory." I started watching "Blue Mountain State" which is enjoyable, but not great. I sit through it, and laugh at it, but don't really need to watch the next episode. The other show I started to watch is another football related show; "The League" though this show is aimed at five guys and a wife who deal with family life through the football season while also spending too much time caring about their Fantasy Football league. I'm sure to you ladies, this sounds stupid. To defend it...firstly I will say it is on FX. That's right...they say "shit" and "pussy" pretty good stuff...but that's not THE reason to watch, this show is just flat out funny. And it is a show that I feel the need to continue watching after every episode. Not that I have a choice, since the next episode automatically plays on GOMplayer.
I'm only two episodes in, but I have already come upon this amazing concept that I have heretofore never heard of. The "Eskimo Brother." What is an Eskimo Brother you ask? I'll tell you...it's two guys who have had sex with the same girl. So any guy in the universe that has had sex with the same women that I have...are my Eskimo Brothers. The cool part is, we're supposed to hook each other up with free shit. For instance in one scene, the proprietor of this amazing concept "Taco" claims he gets free drinks at a bar because the bartender is his Eskimo Brother, then for the rest of the episode, he keeps getting hook-ups from other Eskimo Brothers. I would love for this to catch on...and be able to use it in my daily life...only problems are:
A) I live 860 miles away from any man who I have shared vaginas with.
B) I'm fairly certain none of them have anything to offer that I may benefit from. Sure there's tons of guys I don't really know...that I am Eskimo Brothers with...cause I have dated awesome girls who I was surprised to find out were ridiculously slutty...but I just don't know how I could find them all, and avoid being knocked out when telling them why they need to give me shit.
C) In what universe are all guys automatically cool with knowing another guy has fucked the same girl as them? I know most of the time when I find out guys that have stuck it to a girl I have, first thing I think is "oh great, that guy is probably huge, and rocked her world...totally unfair...I hate that guy." I'll probably never talk to that guy in my life.
Depressingly I don't think Eskimo Brothers will ever really benefit me...but it was cool as hell to discover...I just wish the world was more like television...
This has gone on long enough so let me get to what should be an extremely long post as it is. Now I know I usually do a "Stumble Of The Day" or at least, I started to. But not surprisingly, the stumble of the day is actually the post for today, meaning I will not be doing a stumble of the day today. Got it? On to the post:
1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds
Does this bitch think there is a large enough portion of people out there who are trying excessively to do this in such a way that is over complicating their day to day life? Here's the number one sign someone is trying to read your mind. Their index and middle finger are at their temple, and their eyes are squinting. I don't see too many people doing that on a daily basis, so I wouldn't worry about this too much. Now with that said, I don't claim to be someone who knows all of the universe's ins and outs. There are scientists that don't know everything about the universe. They don't know all the answers...So I won't be ignorant here. I will acknowledge the possibility that there is a small minority who actually have telepathic abilities. If this was aimed at them, I can, and will respect that. To an extent. I can't imagine this being something that will be such a simple task. The person who came up with this step to "uncomplicate" a telepathic's life is a bitch-face. Who is this bitch to think that this would just be a simple task? I'm sure it would be nice to be able to NOT read minds for once as a telepath, but if I were one, and would have read this, I would be outraged and maybe even start a group on facebook about it to fight for my cause. Because everyone knows facebook is the answer to all life's problems.
2. Get up 30 minutes earlier so that you don’t rush/get a ticket while driving too fast/have to explain why you’re late/get fired
Fuck this. This isn't something that complicates my life. This is something that keeps my otherwise mundane life interesting. And to be perfectly honest, I find when I do wake up earlier, I end up being distracted by something or another and end up leaving at the same time I normally do anyway. So this is just a stupid suggestion. I refuse.
3. Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more clearly
I get 4 hours. Tops. And I think pretty clearly if I do say-so myself. And even if I don't think clearly, this is how I think, and I happen to like it, and wouldn't know any different, because to me my thought process is just fine. Would this busy body bitch Deeanne, who wrote this, tell a mentally challenged person to do something to make them think more clearly? No. And you know what? That mentally challenged person has no clue how clear or unclear they're thinking. They're experiencing what they know, and will never know a though process that is better or worse. I rest my case.
4. Stick to your budget
Okay, this is good advice. Create a budget for yourself and stick to it. That's really great. But does it really make life less complicated? On one side, if you don't have a budget for yourself, you are prone to overspending, that's a given. Score 1 to this Deeanne bitch. However, I'd say that having a budget could possibly restrict you from taking part in things you enjoy, so then you have no way to release any kind of shit that is coming up in life through self-therapeutic activities such as binge drinking or snorting some blow. This would just stress you out more and more, and especially if you're struggling to make ends meet as it is. Not only are you not enjoying life, but you're stressing that you can't really support yourself on your budget anyway! This is just a knife in your chest that keeps on being twisted. So fuck it. Go get wasted. You only live once. Score 1 to me!
5. Start saving and investing every week, no matter how little you can spare
This is a good idea, but it's almost the same exact thing as above. So now this bitch is just repeating herself though changing the words. I could probably guess that she could have made this list with 25-50 ways to uncomplicate your life and ultimately become a boring person, but she wanted to have 100, so she reworded a bunch of them. Let's see how the rest goes.
6. Balance your checkbook
I suck when it comes to money, but, I don't even know what that means. Balance it? On what? My forehead? My penis? I mean pencil! Really though...this is ridiculous. This bitch who has never been laid probably wrote the budget idea, then was like "oh, let's stick with the money saving theme" and came up with two more identical suggestions.
7. Don’t try to be friends with everyone. Cultivate closer relationships with fewer people.
Why cultivate? That sounds scary. Or hard. Why not "create stronger...?" I'll tell you why...because this bitch is a direct descendant from Hitler. Which is why she only gave her first name when submitting this shit! I'm not one to get off topic...so...I digress. Why would I do this? I don't want 10 friends on facebook! I'll take those ten friends, then add 340 more people, and enjoy not giving a fuck about their lives. This isn't a complication. To be honest it's a stress reliever. One of my favorite things to do is to find a post about drama pertaining to someone I could give two shits about. This happens often since 97% of my friends on facebook are people I don't give a shit about. Then, I think of something mean to say, that would make them feel like the stupid piece of shit they are. And I post it. Yay for me and my depression cure! I'd probably be addicted to heroine right now if I didn't have that outlet. If I listen to this bitch...I will be addicted to heroine. How does that uncomplicate my life?
8. Don’t try to do business with everyone. Identify your target client and take very good care of them.
This can't be elaborated on? Hell this can't even really be directed towards everyone on here...Okay...so I take very good care of this one client...then what? Once my work is done, then what? Find another client, meanwhile spending whatever money I can after balancing my checkbook, creating a budget that I stick to and saving and investing every week? Fuck that. How about I have 20 clients I treat pretty well, but pull the wool over their eyes making them think I am treating them like as if the ground they walk on is made of gold. Make shitload of money from all of them at once, then have shitloads of money to spend while working with the next 20 clients. I win. Fuck off!
9. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years
Does anything really matter in 20 years? Other than having kids, nothing ever matters in 20 years. Well, on an individual life scale. Obviously WWII fucked a bunch of shit up, let's not even talk about slavery. You know what? No...let's talk about slavery. That happened how long ago? Would this have worked on people then? Would this bitch have said "Look my servants! Don't be mad that I don't feed you properly! It won't matter in 20 years! Likely because you will all be dead from terrible living conditions! So don't be upset!" No fucking way. That shit mattered then, and apparently, though the reason is lost on me...it matters now. But look at 9/11...let's not pretend that it means as much now as it did then. I know this country tries to make it seem as though it is as significant to us as it once was, but it isn't. Of course, it's almost 10 years, not 20, so I expect by 2021, we will have all but forgotten about it. And if you buy into all the 2012 shit, then...this whole argument is moot since nothing will matter in about 2 years. Hooray Apocalypse!
10. Focus on being a good person, not on pleasing others
Is there any way to be a good person and not please others? And don't we only want to be good people in order to be treated well in return, ultimately through pleasing others? This fortune cookie shit isn't working with me. If I am focusing on being a good person. I damn well better be pleasing others, otherwise, my focus is worth shit. If I'm focusing on being a good person, and everyone around me thinks I am a terrible person, then maybe I was confused as to what being a good person means! In my opinion they should be pleased with my efforts. So what the fuck does this mean!?
11. Stay home this Saturday, and finish off that nagging chore that you need to finish
Okay, I'll stay home this Saturday and finally clean out my room. Great idea. Until I find out the girl who I've been seeing, though not officially, is going to the party I was supposed to go to. She got wasted and fucked some guy who then infected her with herpes. Great. That could have been me. The...guy...not...the one getting fucked and catching the herp...you know what? Let's move on...
12. Kiss and make up
This is another one that needs specifying. Because right after reading this, I went to the gas station in which I just flipped out at the clerk for not taking the $25 in quarters for gas. I told him I hope he would die a horrible death...like...from getting hit in the head and then dying from a brain aneurysm in 43 years. I felt horrible about it. This made me go over there. I went behind the counter and grabbed him by the cheeks. Face, not butt...and kissed him. I then spent over 45 minutes explaining to the police it wasn't my fault. it was fault of Deeanne, the stupid bitch who wrote this list. I'm never allowed in that gas station again...which sucks because it's the only gas station within walking distance of my job.
13. Make a weekly menu, and shop for only those items at the market
If I wanted the same old boring food every week, I would eat at Panera Bread.
14. Ask your grandparents the best way to uncomplicate life, and try it for a month
How insensitive is this? I don't have grandparents. They all died...My grandfather on my mother's side died the day I was born. This is just so insensitive to the people that don't have grandparents. I'm starting a facebook group about this too!
15. Fill up your gas tank when it’s half full
I don't think this is a legitimate thing that could make my life less complicated. Why would this even be on the list? And if this is the type of shit that was posted at number 16, how did she think of 84 more suggestions that were worthy. And that's being generous as if to say the first 15 before this one were worthy. I don't have much else to say here. This one is dumb. It wasn't the first dumb one. Won't be the last.
16. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad
So...then...what's the point? I drink alcohol when I'm tired to help me fall asleep. I drink it when I'm sad to enable shameless bitching. I drink it when I'm mad so it doesn't hurt when I punch solid objects. When should I drink alcohol? When I'm happy? Why? So I can start getting the spins and ruin my night, and probably spend the rest of it throwing up violently? That's a terrible idea. You're a terrible person...Deeanne
17. Pay your bills on time
What? I'm proud to be an American damnit! And if America can't do shit like get the soldiers out of Iraq on time (which I believe was supposed to be about 3 years ago) Then I don't think I have to pay my bills on time!
18. Get an annual physical examination
Easy for you to say, Deeanne. You don't have to turn your head and cough. You know what REALLY turns me off about that process? They wear gloves. How offensive! Where do you think my testicles have been doctor? More importantly, how does ADDING something to my annual schedule alongside 4:20...Thanksgiving...Christmas...and those 8 days I pretend to be Jewish supposed to make my life less complicated? Deeanne, I'm starting to think you don't know SHIT about life. Or making it less complicated.
19. Say “I love you” to your significant other and to your children. Studies show that more marriages last, and fewer kids use drugs, when these words are spoken every day.
I'm not saying you're wrong, Deeanne...but it's easy to type "Studies show..." Watch: Studies show that you're a stupid bitch. There were no studies done, but it's hardly ever disputed. No one will wonder if a study actually show this...this is one of the few things in society that people hardly ever contest. Here's what I'd like to see. I'd like to see your resources. Where was this study done, and who conducted it...and for how long? How was it done. What was the control? A family that said I love you once a day? Did a scientific group force one family to never say those words, then find that all the children became sluts and junkies? How did the scientists feel about that? Did any of them hook up with the slut? This is vital information. I demand you present it to the public.
20. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good because most people’s are
No. That's how a shitload of people get taken advantage of:
"Hey Clark, here's a box of donuts!"
"Why thank you kind si---"
"HAHA! It was kryptonite!"
And that's how Superman died kids.
21. Give away clothes that haven’t been worn in two years
For free? That's a terrible idea. Before you were telling us to do investing, but then all the investment I put into buying those clothes is a loss. Horrible planning. I'm not running a charity here, Deeanne. And if it's all tax deductible, wouldn't that make my filing of said deductions on my taxes more complicated, thus making my life more complicated, thus making this suggestion counter productive. You have to think things through Deeanne. This is why no one loves you.
22. Throw out clothes that are in disrepair, and can’t be mended
Now, these I will give away. Because I'm throwing them out. Who cares if they're in horrible shape and may or may not be filled with dry semen. I don't think the people getting these clothes are in any position to care about fashion.
23. When you have a conflict with someone, talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.
I find talking it out to be counterproductive. Most of the time if I just let it go the problem will just go away. However, when talking about it...it grows into an argument over who ate who's hot pocket...and then a room mate gets shot in the face. Don't believe me? You need to watch Cops more.
24. Know what your priorities are in life, and act as if they are your priorities
Huh? This is like defining a word with the word you're defining. Fighting is when two people fight. If I know what my priorities are in life, chances are, they're going to be acted upon as if they're my priorities. Now, I can't say that I take my priorities seriously. But that's how I act with my priorities. That's how everyone acts with their priorities. So this was a wasted suggestion. Deeanne, you really are a dumb bitch.
25. Tell the truth
26. Don’t cheat
27. Don’t steal
I grouped these together. Let me make this really clear. I honor the dead. I respect the dead. And I respect their wishes. A dying man (though he didn't know he was dying at the time) lived by a motto of "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" That man was Eddie Guerrero. He died probably wearing a shirt that said
the same thing. Furthermore, telling the truth might be complicating things. Your best friend asks if you're sexually attracted to her. You tell the truth...shit gets complicated. Cheating...I'm not a fan of it. But...hey...to each his or in most cases her own. And stealing...I don't think anyone who is currently into theft would read that and be like "Oh, yes...Deeanne says not stealing shit would make my life less complicated. Okay" This was dumb. This list is dumb.
28. If you’re holding a ridiculous grudge, let it go
This is dumb advice as well. Why hold any grudge at all? Some guy fucked my girlfriend. I didn't hold a grudge with either of them. I just stabbed myself in the leg. Bled all over my girlfriend's house and said the fucking prick who was banging my slut of a girlfriend stabbed me. I win. Though the hospital bill was a lot.
29. Clean your house weekly, so that it doesn’t become too large a chore
No fucking way this makes things less complicated. This is like saying saving a dollar a day is better than saving seven a week. Or writing 20 things 100 different ways and calling it a list of 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life. You're cleaning the same amount. Why not put it off until you're ready to stay home one Saturday and take care of a chore you've been putting off? Oh wait, wasn't that one of the things on this list? This is starting to contradict itself isn't it, Deeanne? You stupid bitch.
30. Do your best at work, or at school
This is just a good thing to do in order to not become a loser. Which means this belongs on a list of things to do in order to avoid becoming a loser. This in no way makes life less complicated directly. Though you do run the risk of having financial troubles in the future...to which if you're pessimistic could make life complicated and miserable.
31. Don’t eat when you aren’t humgry
Holy fuck Deeanne? What are you a nutritionist all of the sudden? And what the fuck does "Humgry" even mean? To make this SIMPLE. I'm not hungry six times a day. But that's what is widely known as a healthy thing to do. Eat six times a day. So why don't you leave this shit to the people who have dedicated their lives to health and you just go back to knitting a sweater for your cat.
32. Eat when you are hungry
See Above. With an added note that you tend to get fatter if you only eat when you're hungry because then you're inclined to eat more, at wider intervals. This will ultimately complicate your life when you're obese and die from it!
33. Be yourself
As opposed to what? Stealing people's identities? I don't have much of an option other than to be myself. If you meant, "don't act how people expect you to," then that's what you should have said!
34. Say no unapologetically
Oh sure, then deal with everyone calling me a dick. Great advice Deeanne.
35. Cook simple meals
That were only on my boring ass menu from before right? In other words. "Put no passion into the meals you cook for your family that you love so much. Just throw something together and call it a night!"
36. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses
You ignorant bitch. Deeanne, I don't know who the fuck the Joneses are, I'm assuming they're your neighbors...and...just because you don't try to be like them, don't put it on a list you intend to release to the public and just assume we'll know who the fuck the Joneses are. We don't know your life. And judging by this poorly structured list. We don't want to.
37. Pay off your car before buying a new one
More terrible advice from our resident annoying bitch, Deeanne. What if a man's wife asked him for a car, what is he supposed to say? "Sorry, sweetheart, even though we can afford a second car, I can't get you one so that we can finally sign our kids up for all their activities since you'll be able to take them...nope, can't do it...I'm still paying for our current car...and Deeanne from Living The Charmed Life said it would make my life too complicated. Sorry." Horse Shit, Deeanne. Total Horse Shit.
38. Organise your desk at the office
Wow. You spelled organize wrong. Wow. You really are a stupid bitch who didn't even think to spell check her shit. I hate you. What's worse is why the fuck would this make my life less complicated? Maybe my workday...but not my life. If all my life has gone to shit, I highly doubt and "organised" desk would bring me any solace.
39. Change your smoke alarm batteries when the clock springs forward, and when it falls back
This wouldn't make my life less complicated in the totality of my life. It would just be a good idea in case there's a fire in the house. Third degree burns may complicate my life, but then again, my sex life is pretty dull and I hear there's a fetish community for burn victims.
40. Organise your important paperwork
That's assuming I have any important paperwork to "organise." The problem overall with this list is that it's not broad enough. Some of these focus solely on women. Some of these focus on working people. Some of these focus on married couples or parents. It's not something that everyone can look at and apply. Which is a shame, because a list like that might save lives.
41. Take only half the clothes that you planned to take with you on holiday
Oh yes. Great. So when you meet the person of your dreams you start panicking because you didn't bring the outfit that you look AMAZING in because in trying to simplify packing you over-complicated the "take/leave" process and made bad decisions. Leaving you with a shitload of pop-culture t-shirts and one pair of jeans, sweatpants, and your father's completely un-stylish swimming trunks that you grabbed in a frenzy. Seems like this complicates things more.
42. Help your children with their homework every night, and have an open dialogue with their teachers
Few things. First, this is one of those focused suggestions that not everyone can apply to their lives. Second, I'm surprised, based on the structure of this list so far, that this wasn't split up into 2 different suggestions. Also isn't this a bit more complicating than just letting your children play with their toys while you watch primetime television? Yep.
43. Have white sheets and white towels in children’s rooms, because they’re easily bleached
I got nothing.
44. Spend your time with nice peopleBRILLIANT! I knew there was something wrong in my life...I just couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't realize I was spending my time with mean people. Ugh, this is so annoying. I have no idea what this means! Deeanne I wish I could get inside you. er...uh...your brain...cause I just imagine you were sitting there writing this one and smiling because you just blew someone's mind. You're such a stuck up, self indulgent bitch. I despise you.
45. Avoid dramaSee above. Deeanne is a Whore.
46. Don’t text or talk on the phone while drivingThis won't make my life less complicated. Though I do imagine the first thing I would say after being ejaculated from the car through the windshield and splooging on the pavement would be "Well, my life just got complicated." This would just make my life last longer and I would be safer. That's all. It's not more complicated than that Deeanne, no reason to make it so!
47. Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers
This is true. But they're so damn entertaining. My main problem with this is that you're telling me to turn off the computer because it's time consuming. Coming from the bitch who took the time to type up 100 useless things, post it online, and check often to see if anyone...also on computers...validated her propaganda. Fucking hypocrite.
48. Don’t engage in office politics
What if you're a politician? What do you do then? Uh-oh...Deeanne is a stupid bitch.
49. Refuse to gossip, or talk behind other people’s backs
I would say that most of my conversations consist of this. In fact...most of my friendships are based around the ability to do this well. What's more fun than being out with friends and being around people you dislike, then talking shit about them? I don't think there's anything more fun than that. How about restating this more accurately. My life's complications would not decrease as a result of this. Instead maybe you should tell the people that are so easy to gossip about and talk shit about, to be less of a douche in order to make their lives less complicated. I'm enjoying my life in this way, the people I'm talking about however are not. Speak to them, not me.
50. Do the dishes right after dinner
Right after my simple dinner? My shitty simple dinner off of my stupid fucking menu? No. By the time it's time to do the dishes, I'm miserable and would much rather drink myself happy and drown in my own vomit Crash Holly style. Yeah. I went there.
51. Never go to sleep angry
If I followed this I would never sleep. I always go to sleep angry, because every time I go to sleep it just validates that I'm not a vampire. How the fuck will a girl like me if I'm not capable of sucking her blood? My life sucks.
52. Ask nicely for what you need and want
Wow! FAIL! Deeanne...you overlooked something major here. IF one asks for something, they must give something in return. This is called a debt. Having a debt towards someone could complicate that relationship and life. How about instead of asking for something you need or want like a little bitch. You take what you need and want like an American mother fucker!
53. Walk 10,000 steps per day to help your heart
Yes. Because counting every fucking step you take isn't a complicated thing to do!
54. Do 20 push-ups before speaking in anger
Come on. This is really ridiculous. Like I would stop in the middle of an argument to bang out 20 push-ups then stand back up and speak angrily. This is just plain old stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
55. Leave work at work
I can only assume you're speaking geographically. There's no other way to leave work, than while you are at work. I don't understand how this applies to life's complications. What is going on? This list should have been finished at number 10.
56. Don’t befriend anyone that isn’t trustworthy
Yep, this is something people do! People go out of their way to befriend people that aren't trustworthy. You are quite profound Deeanne. You slut.
57. Don’t envy others
Why not? If someone has something I want, I can't help but acknowledge how lucky he is and how awesome it must be to be him. If anything it will make me motivated to do whatever necessary to achieve such luxuries. Fuck this one. Fuck it. Hard. Without lube.
58. Have your oil changed
Okay. Random. Life is simpler now that my car's okay.
59. Take vitamin C before you catch a cold
I never know when I'm catching a cold. Otherwise I wouldn't be catching colds. Because I would take vitamin C. Speaking of Vitamin C...where the fuck did she go? One minute she's on top of the world for her anthem to all high school graduating classes. The next she's no where to be found. Not even on Celebrity Rehab or anything I would expect her to pop-up for. Speaking of pop-up stuff and Celebrity Rehab that airs on VH1. What the fuck happened to pop-up video? That was the best. Taught me so much shit I never cared to know. Like MC Hammer's famous parachute pants were actually purchased from a homeless guy for a bottle of Jack...to which that guy then brushed his teeth. Years later his illegitimate child would sing about it and become a huge star named Ke$ha, using the dollar sign as both a tribute to her dad, and an insult to MC Hammer, who within years was bankrupt. What the fuck am I talking about?
60. Don’t work more than 8 hours per day
"Yeah...overtime blows..."
61. Weed your garden weekly
WHO THE FUCK HAS A GARDEN!?
62. Wash your car weeklyGreat idea. Take time out of your hectic week to complicate things by spending over an hour washing your car...which will make life less complicated...because it looks shiny and new, and you won't have to be reminded that you're broke, and your wife is fucking the UPS guy.
63. Have a spring cleaning month every year, and do one room at a time
I don't know if she means...Have a spring cleaning month every year, and each year only do one room, which seems illogical...or...if she means, when cleaning the entire house in that one month, only do one room at a time, which, seems wasteful if you have 5 people living in the house. Either way, I think this is something that naturally would just get taken care of, and focusing on how to do it more effectively rather than just getting down and doing it, could be more complicated than it needs to be. Stupid Deeanne bitch.
64. You don’t need to be best friends with work colleagues, but build respectful partnerships
This is cold. I get it. In a work environment, everyone's looking to get ahead, so don't get too close and reveal too much about yourself, because it can and likely will be held against you so that the person exposing you can get ahead in the company. But really, if I work at Staples...I don't think I'm in much danger of being taken off of the register because some guy told my manager I made out with a girl named Adam.
65. Don’t drink and drive
This is just too funny. This list, could have been great...if focusing on little nit-picky habits a lot of people have that would make life easier if we kicked. Stuff like, "wear slip on shoes instead of laced." That's a nice suggestion which anyone could use if they so wish. But telling us not to drink and drive is just so over the top. I don't get it. People tell me not to drink and drive...they say "Mike, don't drive drunk." And I say "oh, let me watch you fuck a goat." 'Cause I'm drunk and I get really into bestiality. But they tell me its dangerous. I say fuck that...tell me one person who's died driving drunk! And they tell me their cousin was killed by a drunk driver. Exactly. I'm drunk...I'm not in danger. I'm fine. In fact I say driving drunk is the safest form of transportation. Other than flying.
66. Don’t look for reasons to be angry or sad, look for reasons to be happy. You’ll always be able to find plenty of each.
But no one gives anyone attention when they're happy. People only tend to pretend they care about people if they're angry or sad.
67. Be friendly with your neighbours
I'm a bit confused here Dee. You said not to keep up with the Joneses whom I more than likely correctly pinned as your neighbors. However, you're telling me to be friendly with them? Whatever. I try...but I swear my neighbors are still trying to figure out what the fuck a white family be doin' in they hood.
68. Return emails and phone messages promptly
No way. There's a reason why I don't check my e-mails and why I let it go to voicemail. I also think doing so would look desperate. I never say "Hey...I just got your message." I don't like how that makes me look. Instead I wait two days...SCREENPLAY TIME!
INT. MIKE'S ROOM - DAY
It's a nice summer day. The trees are making a beautiful noise as the leaves sway to and afro. Cause afro is funnier. MIKE picks up his cell phone, deciding to finally return a call from a message he received from his friend OLIVER two days before...
HOW DARE YOU, DEE?!?! On top of my daily routine I had before reading your demonic list...then if listening to you, having to now adhere to getting 8 hours of sleep, planning, and sticking to a budget, investing, balancing checkbooks, "cultivating closer relationships with people, taking care of a client, wondering if the shit that you do that pisses me off will matter in 20 years, focusing on being a good person, staying home on a Saturday to do a chore, kissing random gas station clerks, shopping for my shitty weekly menu, digging up the remains of my grandparents to ask them the best way to do what your list was supposed to accomplish, going to the gas station more often to fill it up every half tank, going to AA so I don't have to drink as much anymore, paying my bills on time, getting annual physicals, telling my wife and kids I love them, imagining people's intentions are good, giving away and throwing out old clothes, talking out all of my conflicts, figuring out then acting upon all of my priorities, go against Eddie Guerrero's last wishes, trying to not hold grudges, cleaning my house weekly, doing my best at work or school, not eating when I'm not hungry, but eating when I am, being myself, saying no unapologetically, cooking unpassionate and dull meals, not keeping up with your neighbors whom I never met and could very well be great people, paying off my car before buying a new one, "organising" my desk, taking only half the clothes on vacation, helping my children with homework and keeping in touch with their pretentious teachers, changing my smoke alarm batteries, "organising" my paperwork, making sure there's a constant supply of white sheets and white towels in the kids' room, spending time with nice people, while avoiding drama, not texting or talking on the phone while driving, not paying attention to the world by avoiding TV/games/computers, not engaging in office politics, refusing to gossip, doing dishes right after dinner, never going to sleep angry, asking people nicely for shit, walking 10,000 steps every day, doing 20 push-ups during arguments, leaving work at work, not making friends with the untrustworthy, not envying others, having my oil changed, listening to Vitamin C's greatest hits, not working more that 8 hours a day, weeding my garden every week, washing my car every week, spending a month out of the year cleaning my house, not forming friendships with colleagues, not drinking and driving, avoiding emotions other than happiness, being friendly with your neighbors the Joneses, and returning phone calls and e-mails...on top of all of that...you now expect me to just randomly find free time? hm? You are a crazy fucking bitch, Dee....
I'm beginning to like you.
70. Don’t procrastinate
If I do this, it will start tomorrow.
71. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it
This is okay to do once in a while, I guess...but if I do this all the time, then everyone will expect this type of performance from me on a regular basis, and I just don't want that kind of pressure. It's annoying. And could cause complications, which we are trying to avoid of course!
72. Be more flexible when you’re able to be
FINALLY I agree with you Dee. I've been telling my girlfriends this all of my life. If I have a fantasy...you damn well be able to flex in any way necessary. I don't care if you think it's weird I have a pretzel fetish.
73. Forgive and forget. End of story.
Forget everything? It's easy to forgive. I'll give you that. But forgetting...oh man...forget about it! pun intended. Seriously...Dee, do you realize how hard it is to forget? I am reminded of shit all the time just by simply looking at something. I saw one of my ex-girlfriends recently. You think I wasn't thinking about her pierced nipples? It's hard to forget shit. Even if I'd like to forget shit. You can't. I'll forget stuff that I'd like to remember...like where I put that bag of weed I had last week. But I hardly forget stuff that I'd like to. You think I want to remember the time when I was nine-years-old and my mother introduced me to our new priest and I wanted to be funny so I started undressing, and my mother asked what I was doing and I said "Mom, don't worry this is what they're into," then looked at the priest and said "right?" at which point I started to laugh. I thought it was funny. My mother didn't think it was funny. The priest didn't think it was funny...then later I didn't think it was funny when Father O'Malley stuck his dick in my mouth. You just can't forget some things. Oh shit...Come to think of it...I think I swallowed that bag of weed cause I thought the tow-truck was the cops. Yeah...it's funny how you end up remembering things. I remembered sucking Father O'Malley's cock...which he forced me to swallow...and...voila...I swallowed the weed.
74. Break the consumerism habit…put a three month moratorium in place on buying anything not deemed a necessity
I have no fucking idea what moratorium means...and I am far too lazy to look it up. And if it's what I assume it is, of putting a hold on buying cool shit for 3 months...then I ask you Dee...what good is it going to do when I take all the money I've been saving like you instructed, and blow it in 2 hours as a result of underspending for 3 months. This is America. We don't underspend.
75. Start your diet on September 1, rather than January 1, so that you won’t also have holiday pounds to lose
I thought you said "Don't Procrastinate."
76. Take care of any health issues or concerns
As Soon As Possible? Because that would be contradicting what you said before. An unhealthy diet is just that...unhealthy...and if I wait until September 1st to start a healthy diet...that is called procrastination. You bitch.
77. Have your tires rotated
78. Have your brakes checked
79. Have your eyes checked
Oh my God. You literally are just thinking of anything now. Really? This shit is supposed to make my life less complicated. So far you've given me 79...rules to now live by, which I have to keep track of and complicate my life with. This is terrorism. Right? You're making it out like you're trying to better our lives...but in reality you're ruining it. I hate you Dee. I hate you. What is Dee short for anyway? Deehallah Mussan? Fucking terrorist. Wait...nevermind. It's short for Deeanne...but I bet your last name is Bin Laden.
80. Don’t let your imagination run away with you
Yes...great advice...and then there would be none of the amazing films and books that billions of people enjoy. This might be the most disturbing thing you've ever said Deeanne Bin Laden.
Why are trying to rob people of using their imagination. It's near impossible to not let your imagination run wild like Hulkamania. Without imagination there wouldn't even be a Hulk Hogan because no one would have imagined sex. And without sex there'd be no babies. Is that what you want Dee? No babies?
81. Let go of perfection in others
82. Let go of perfection in yourself
These two are good. This really should be the only two on the list. I hope you're happy. You could have written a list of 2 Ways To Uncomplicate Your Life...and it would have been so much more profound and useful than wasting our time with a list of 2 useful things and 98 retarded things. Furthermore, you wasted everyone who is reading this blog's time...because I wouldn't have written this ridiculously long post.
83. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves
This one isn't altogether bad. But if everyone listened to this...there wouldn't be nursing homes for kids to just leave their parents because they never grew out of their "I'm too cool for my parents" phase...there wouldn't be that show on A&E called Intervention...cause no one would try to intervene on the junkie's life choice...and that would be a shame because that show is entertaining as hell. It's so funny when those people just inject themselves with heroine then start drooling and rolling their eyes and licking the mirror...hahaha...what are they doing? They're funny. They're crazy...why do they do that?
84. Find a way to reduce your commute to work
The only way I can do that is build a teleportation device. Working backwards...I can get a monster truck...just plow through shit...or I can build an underground tunnel...but I'd probably need to get a permit. I can spread an airborne pathogen that could infect all of mankind so that I won't be stuck in traffic and can speed...but then...upon getting to work...I'd have no customers...and after getting paid...I'd have nowhere to cash it. HA! Listen to me. I'm the only one alive mother fuckers...I won't need money. The world is mine. Speaking of owning the world...Dogs have it MADE! The world is their toilet...how crazy is that!?
85. Have an alloted amount of worry time per day/week, that you strictly abide by
Yes because if nothing else, curling up in a corner and crying for three hours per day is manly. Stupid terrorist bitch. Also...you spelled "Allotted" wrong.
86. Drink more water
What if I already drink the suggested 8 cups a day? What if I drink more than that already? You do know if you drink too much water in a certain time...you die. You die. Of course...these days...they say everything kills you...Do you know that if you eat 9 Oreo cookies, drink a chocolate milkshake and also eat a steak within a 36 hour period your stomach will implode? It's true...studies show it.
87. Eat more salmon
No. I will not. Fuck off.
88. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
I don't even think this is possible without some extra dirt or something. It just seems highly unlikely...So...we will just add this to the already large list of pointless things this dumb slut of a terrorist is suggesting I do to better my currently kick ass no need for improvement life.
89. Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style
Oh like you? And not get any sex for the next couple of years before realizing that you have singlehandedly ruined my life.
90. Finish what you start
I do. That's how I have a novel out. "Rock Beats Paper"...it's on Amazon...it's also why my sister is being a fucking bitch to me right now because she wants to watch Jersey Shore and I won't let her until I'm done with this so that I can watch it too. Don't hate...that fucking show is hysterical. TEE SHIRT TIMEEE!
91. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style
See #89. Slutty ass terrorist whore face. Ugh. I'm going to end you Deeanne Bin Laden.
92. Create a daily routine
Oh my fucking GOD! If I were to do everything you've suggested here...I'd have no fucking choice. You have given me more than I could even imagine taking interest in doing...most of it is likely to send me down a terrible road that could cause me to end my life in a miserable fashion. Possibly naked in a public place...during the winter...so there's shrinkage and shit...
93. Have a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year plan for your financial and life goals
I think my time would be better utilized if I were to just go after those goals instead of trying to figure out what I'm doing in 20 years...which supposedly nothing I do now will matter...according to this bitch.
94. Slow down
THIS IS A NEIGHBORHOOD!...
Lost? revert to the following video:
95. Eat out less often
No woman would ever say that. Most girls I know...save one (you know who you are!) would ask me to eat out more. Especially cause I have a tongue ring!
96. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked
I...can't...even....this is so sexist...and...stupid...just...die Dee. Die.
97. Allow your children to grow up
Sure...cause we can always keep them at the awesome age of 7. No one has a choice...kids are going to grow up...there's no allowing. However, as parents, we can allow them to experience life and grow maturely through dealing with their own shit. That's called...letting them live a life...not letting them grow up. This proves you don't have children, Dee...because you are a smelly terrorist, who has terrible cooking skills, horrible hair, and lame clothes. You never have sex. You suck big time!
98. Clean out your garage, and donate anything that hasn’t been used in the past year
This kind of goes back to the donating clothes thing. Especially if I have a car in there that hasn't worked in a year because I don't have the money to fix it...because I don't work any overtime...because in order to keep my life simple...I work no more than 8 hours a day.
On a funny note...if I were to literally do this...I'd be cleaning out my brother's room.
99. Stretch every day
And then what? Life just is automatically less complicated. Such a dumb bitch.
100. If a relationship is over, let it go
Finally one I agree with...Stop calling me you crazy bitch!
But really though...if I get dumped...it's my right having invested months and months of energy, emotion, and hopefully semen into the relationship...I have the right to fight to keep it. I usually lose after looking pathetic...but...I see how this could make things less complicated...so at least you finished on a strong note Dee.
Wow...holy shit...finally I'm done. This took me a lot longer to type than I thought. I figured I'd write a few lines for each...but...holy shit I can just...go and go and go...is this what it's like hanging out with me? I just go on and on and on? Hell...I hope this is what it's like having sex with me. That'd be nice.
Anyway...I don't really know how to end this. I'm exhausted...and hope I never write a blog this long again.* If you've read all the way through this...I thank you so much. You must be pretty fucking bored. Either way, I love you. With that. I bid all of you adieu.
-Mike
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites
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And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
*There are almost 10,000 words in this entry. That's 1/6th of my novel. How fucking crazy is that? It's also as many steps I should take every day!
I wonder if you missed me yesterday. Sorry. I had an internet mishap at the office, and by the time I got home my niece was just too cute to NOT play with! (awww, right? Aren't I just such an amazing guy?!) Thus, I didn't do up my little blog here. Today is different. Yes, very different. I am writing a blog.
Before we get started with today's featured story. Don't mind that description it's just me trying to sound cool I'd like to talk about a few things going on in my little head here. Firstly, it's tough to write a blog that I know is read by mostly women. I hate women. kidding. They've pretty much ruined my life. And would love to spend most of my energy bashing women for being such dirty whores. Such vile, and disease ridden whores. But I will bite my proverbial tongue and not really lash out on women...too much.
In other news. I started watching two new shows this week upon finishing up what I had of "The Big Bang Theory." I started watching "Blue Mountain State" which is enjoyable, but not great. I sit through it, and laugh at it, but don't really need to watch the next episode. The other show I started to watch is another football related show; "The League" though this show is aimed at five guys and a wife who deal with family life through the football season while also spending too much time caring about their Fantasy Football league. I'm sure to you ladies, this sounds stupid. To defend it...firstly I will say it is on FX. That's right...they say "shit" and "pussy" pretty good stuff...but that's not THE reason to watch, this show is just flat out funny. And it is a show that I feel the need to continue watching after every episode. Not that I have a choice, since the next episode automatically plays on GOMplayer.
I'm only two episodes in, but I have already come upon this amazing concept that I have heretofore never heard of. The "Eskimo Brother." What is an Eskimo Brother you ask? I'll tell you...it's two guys who have had sex with the same girl. So any guy in the universe that has had sex with the same women that I have...are my Eskimo Brothers. The cool part is, we're supposed to hook each other up with free shit. For instance in one scene, the proprietor of this amazing concept "Taco" claims he gets free drinks at a bar because the bartender is his Eskimo Brother, then for the rest of the episode, he keeps getting hook-ups from other Eskimo Brothers. I would love for this to catch on...and be able to use it in my daily life...only problems are:
A) I live 860 miles away from any man who I have shared vaginas with.
B) I'm fairly certain none of them have anything to offer that I may benefit from. Sure there's tons of guys I don't really know...that I am Eskimo Brothers with...cause I have dated awesome girls who I was surprised to find out were ridiculously slutty...but I just don't know how I could find them all, and avoid being knocked out when telling them why they need to give me shit.
C) In what universe are all guys automatically cool with knowing another guy has fucked the same girl as them? I know most of the time when I find out guys that have stuck it to a girl I have, first thing I think is "oh great, that guy is probably huge, and rocked her world...totally unfair...I hate that guy." I'll probably never talk to that guy in my life.
Depressingly I don't think Eskimo Brothers will ever really benefit me...but it was cool as hell to discover...I just wish the world was more like television...
This has gone on long enough so let me get to what should be an extremely long post as it is. Now I know I usually do a "Stumble Of The Day" or at least, I started to. But not surprisingly, the stumble of the day is actually the post for today, meaning I will not be doing a stumble of the day today. Got it? On to the post:
100 Bull Shit Ways To Uncomplicate My Life.
I stumbledupon a site called "Live The Charmed Life" and more particularly I stumbledupon an article written by a single named lady named Deeanne. It was titled 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life. As I read through it I noticed that clearly a site called "Live The Charmed Life" is more than likely directed towards women. As was this list being that it was written by one. Well some of it is directed towards women. Most of it could be applied to anyone. However, mostly it seems like some stuck up twat decided to try to improve the lives of people. While also sounding like a complete fool. Here is the list in it's entirety and my reasoning for why it is complete BULL SHIT!
Does this bitch think there is a large enough portion of people out there who are trying excessively to do this in such a way that is over complicating their day to day life? Here's the number one sign someone is trying to read your mind. Their index and middle finger are at their temple, and their eyes are squinting. I don't see too many people doing that on a daily basis, so I wouldn't worry about this too much. Now with that said, I don't claim to be someone who knows all of the universe's ins and outs. There are scientists that don't know everything about the universe. They don't know all the answers...So I won't be ignorant here. I will acknowledge the possibility that there is a small minority who actually have telepathic abilities. If this was aimed at them, I can, and will respect that. To an extent. I can't imagine this being something that will be such a simple task. The person who came up with this step to "uncomplicate" a telepathic's life is a bitch-face. Who is this bitch to think that this would just be a simple task? I'm sure it would be nice to be able to NOT read minds for once as a telepath, but if I were one, and would have read this, I would be outraged and maybe even start a group on facebook about it to fight for my cause. Because everyone knows facebook is the answer to all life's problems.
2. Get up 30 minutes earlier so that you don’t rush/get a ticket while driving too fast/have to explain why you’re late/get fired
Fuck this. This isn't something that complicates my life. This is something that keeps my otherwise mundane life interesting. And to be perfectly honest, I find when I do wake up earlier, I end up being distracted by something or another and end up leaving at the same time I normally do anyway. So this is just a stupid suggestion. I refuse.
3. Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more clearly
I get 4 hours. Tops. And I think pretty clearly if I do say-so myself. And even if I don't think clearly, this is how I think, and I happen to like it, and wouldn't know any different, because to me my thought process is just fine. Would this busy body bitch Deeanne, who wrote this, tell a mentally challenged person to do something to make them think more clearly? No. And you know what? That mentally challenged person has no clue how clear or unclear they're thinking. They're experiencing what they know, and will never know a though process that is better or worse. I rest my case.
4. Stick to your budget
Okay, this is good advice. Create a budget for yourself and stick to it. That's really great. But does it really make life less complicated? On one side, if you don't have a budget for yourself, you are prone to overspending, that's a given. Score 1 to this Deeanne bitch. However, I'd say that having a budget could possibly restrict you from taking part in things you enjoy, so then you have no way to release any kind of shit that is coming up in life through self-therapeutic activities such as binge drinking or snorting some blow. This would just stress you out more and more, and especially if you're struggling to make ends meet as it is. Not only are you not enjoying life, but you're stressing that you can't really support yourself on your budget anyway! This is just a knife in your chest that keeps on being twisted. So fuck it. Go get wasted. You only live once. Score 1 to me!
5. Start saving and investing every week, no matter how little you can spare
This is a good idea, but it's almost the same exact thing as above. So now this bitch is just repeating herself though changing the words. I could probably guess that she could have made this list with 25-50 ways to uncomplicate your life and ultimately become a boring person, but she wanted to have 100, so she reworded a bunch of them. Let's see how the rest goes.
6. Balance your checkbook
I suck when it comes to money, but, I don't even know what that means. Balance it? On what? My forehead? My penis? I mean pencil! Really though...this is ridiculous. This bitch who has never been laid probably wrote the budget idea, then was like "oh, let's stick with the money saving theme" and came up with two more identical suggestions.
7. Don’t try to be friends with everyone. Cultivate closer relationships with fewer people.
Why cultivate? That sounds scary. Or hard. Why not "create stronger...?" I'll tell you why...because this bitch is a direct descendant from Hitler. Which is why she only gave her first name when submitting this shit! I'm not one to get off topic...so...I digress. Why would I do this? I don't want 10 friends on facebook! I'll take those ten friends, then add 340 more people, and enjoy not giving a fuck about their lives. This isn't a complication. To be honest it's a stress reliever. One of my favorite things to do is to find a post about drama pertaining to someone I could give two shits about. This happens often since 97% of my friends on facebook are people I don't give a shit about. Then, I think of something mean to say, that would make them feel like the stupid piece of shit they are. And I post it. Yay for me and my depression cure! I'd probably be addicted to heroine right now if I didn't have that outlet. If I listen to this bitch...I will be addicted to heroine. How does that uncomplicate my life?
8. Don’t try to do business with everyone. Identify your target client and take very good care of them.
This can't be elaborated on? Hell this can't even really be directed towards everyone on here...Okay...so I take very good care of this one client...then what? Once my work is done, then what? Find another client, meanwhile spending whatever money I can after balancing my checkbook, creating a budget that I stick to and saving and investing every week? Fuck that. How about I have 20 clients I treat pretty well, but pull the wool over their eyes making them think I am treating them like as if the ground they walk on is made of gold. Make shitload of money from all of them at once, then have shitloads of money to spend while working with the next 20 clients. I win. Fuck off!
9. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years
Does anything really matter in 20 years? Other than having kids, nothing ever matters in 20 years. Well, on an individual life scale. Obviously WWII fucked a bunch of shit up, let's not even talk about slavery. You know what? No...let's talk about slavery. That happened how long ago? Would this have worked on people then? Would this bitch have said "Look my servants! Don't be mad that I don't feed you properly! It won't matter in 20 years! Likely because you will all be dead from terrible living conditions! So don't be upset!" No fucking way. That shit mattered then, and apparently, though the reason is lost on me...it matters now. But look at 9/11...let's not pretend that it means as much now as it did then. I know this country tries to make it seem as though it is as significant to us as it once was, but it isn't. Of course, it's almost 10 years, not 20, so I expect by 2021, we will have all but forgotten about it. And if you buy into all the 2012 shit, then...this whole argument is moot since nothing will matter in about 2 years. Hooray Apocalypse!
10. Focus on being a good person, not on pleasing others
Is there any way to be a good person and not please others? And don't we only want to be good people in order to be treated well in return, ultimately through pleasing others? This fortune cookie shit isn't working with me. If I am focusing on being a good person. I damn well better be pleasing others, otherwise, my focus is worth shit. If I'm focusing on being a good person, and everyone around me thinks I am a terrible person, then maybe I was confused as to what being a good person means! In my opinion they should be pleased with my efforts. So what the fuck does this mean!?
11. Stay home this Saturday, and finish off that nagging chore that you need to finish
Okay, I'll stay home this Saturday and finally clean out my room. Great idea. Until I find out the girl who I've been seeing, though not officially, is going to the party I was supposed to go to. She got wasted and fucked some guy who then infected her with herpes. Great. That could have been me. The...guy...not...the one getting fucked and catching the herp...you know what? Let's move on...
12. Kiss and make up
This is another one that needs specifying. Because right after reading this, I went to the gas station in which I just flipped out at the clerk for not taking the $25 in quarters for gas. I told him I hope he would die a horrible death...like...from getting hit in the head and then dying from a brain aneurysm in 43 years. I felt horrible about it. This made me go over there. I went behind the counter and grabbed him by the cheeks. Face, not butt...and kissed him. I then spent over 45 minutes explaining to the police it wasn't my fault. it was fault of Deeanne, the stupid bitch who wrote this list. I'm never allowed in that gas station again...which sucks because it's the only gas station within walking distance of my job.
13. Make a weekly menu, and shop for only those items at the market
If I wanted the same old boring food every week, I would eat at Panera Bread.
14. Ask your grandparents the best way to uncomplicate life, and try it for a month
How insensitive is this? I don't have grandparents. They all died...My grandfather on my mother's side died the day I was born. This is just so insensitive to the people that don't have grandparents. I'm starting a facebook group about this too!
15. Fill up your gas tank when it’s half full
I don't think this is a legitimate thing that could make my life less complicated. Why would this even be on the list? And if this is the type of shit that was posted at number 16, how did she think of 84 more suggestions that were worthy. And that's being generous as if to say the first 15 before this one were worthy. I don't have much else to say here. This one is dumb. It wasn't the first dumb one. Won't be the last.
16. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad
So...then...what's the point? I drink alcohol when I'm tired to help me fall asleep. I drink it when I'm sad to enable shameless bitching. I drink it when I'm mad so it doesn't hurt when I punch solid objects. When should I drink alcohol? When I'm happy? Why? So I can start getting the spins and ruin my night, and probably spend the rest of it throwing up violently? That's a terrible idea. You're a terrible person...Deeanne
17. Pay your bills on time
What? I'm proud to be an American damnit! And if America can't do shit like get the soldiers out of Iraq on time (which I believe was supposed to be about 3 years ago) Then I don't think I have to pay my bills on time!
18. Get an annual physical examination
Easy for you to say, Deeanne. You don't have to turn your head and cough. You know what REALLY turns me off about that process? They wear gloves. How offensive! Where do you think my testicles have been doctor? More importantly, how does ADDING something to my annual schedule alongside 4:20...Thanksgiving...Christmas...and those 8 days I pretend to be Jewish supposed to make my life less complicated? Deeanne, I'm starting to think you don't know SHIT about life. Or making it less complicated.
19. Say “I love you” to your significant other and to your children. Studies show that more marriages last, and fewer kids use drugs, when these words are spoken every day.
I'm not saying you're wrong, Deeanne...but it's easy to type "Studies show..." Watch: Studies show that you're a stupid bitch. There were no studies done, but it's hardly ever disputed. No one will wonder if a study actually show this...this is one of the few things in society that people hardly ever contest. Here's what I'd like to see. I'd like to see your resources. Where was this study done, and who conducted it...and for how long? How was it done. What was the control? A family that said I love you once a day? Did a scientific group force one family to never say those words, then find that all the children became sluts and junkies? How did the scientists feel about that? Did any of them hook up with the slut? This is vital information. I demand you present it to the public.
20. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good because most people’s are
No. That's how a shitload of people get taken advantage of:
"Hey Clark, here's a box of donuts!"
"Why thank you kind si---"
"HAHA! It was kryptonite!"
And that's how Superman died kids.
21. Give away clothes that haven’t been worn in two years
For free? That's a terrible idea. Before you were telling us to do investing, but then all the investment I put into buying those clothes is a loss. Horrible planning. I'm not running a charity here, Deeanne. And if it's all tax deductible, wouldn't that make my filing of said deductions on my taxes more complicated, thus making my life more complicated, thus making this suggestion counter productive. You have to think things through Deeanne. This is why no one loves you.
22. Throw out clothes that are in disrepair, and can’t be mended
Now, these I will give away. Because I'm throwing them out. Who cares if they're in horrible shape and may or may not be filled with dry semen. I don't think the people getting these clothes are in any position to care about fashion.
23. When you have a conflict with someone, talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.
I find talking it out to be counterproductive. Most of the time if I just let it go the problem will just go away. However, when talking about it...it grows into an argument over who ate who's hot pocket...and then a room mate gets shot in the face. Don't believe me? You need to watch Cops more.
24. Know what your priorities are in life, and act as if they are your priorities
Huh? This is like defining a word with the word you're defining. Fighting is when two people fight. If I know what my priorities are in life, chances are, they're going to be acted upon as if they're my priorities. Now, I can't say that I take my priorities seriously. But that's how I act with my priorities. That's how everyone acts with their priorities. So this was a wasted suggestion. Deeanne, you really are a dumb bitch.
25. Tell the truth
26. Don’t cheat
27. Don’t steal
I grouped these together. Let me make this really clear. I honor the dead. I respect the dead. And I respect their wishes. A dying man (though he didn't know he was dying at the time) lived by a motto of "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" That man was Eddie Guerrero. He died probably wearing a shirt that said
the same thing. Furthermore, telling the truth might be complicating things. Your best friend asks if you're sexually attracted to her. You tell the truth...shit gets complicated. Cheating...I'm not a fan of it. But...hey...to each his or in most cases her own. And stealing...I don't think anyone who is currently into theft would read that and be like "Oh, yes...Deeanne says not stealing shit would make my life less complicated. Okay" This was dumb. This list is dumb.28. If you’re holding a ridiculous grudge, let it go
This is dumb advice as well. Why hold any grudge at all? Some guy fucked my girlfriend. I didn't hold a grudge with either of them. I just stabbed myself in the leg. Bled all over my girlfriend's house and said the fucking prick who was banging my slut of a girlfriend stabbed me. I win. Though the hospital bill was a lot.
29. Clean your house weekly, so that it doesn’t become too large a chore
No fucking way this makes things less complicated. This is like saying saving a dollar a day is better than saving seven a week. Or writing 20 things 100 different ways and calling it a list of 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life. You're cleaning the same amount. Why not put it off until you're ready to stay home one Saturday and take care of a chore you've been putting off? Oh wait, wasn't that one of the things on this list? This is starting to contradict itself isn't it, Deeanne? You stupid bitch.
30. Do your best at work, or at school
This is just a good thing to do in order to not become a loser. Which means this belongs on a list of things to do in order to avoid becoming a loser. This in no way makes life less complicated directly. Though you do run the risk of having financial troubles in the future...to which if you're pessimistic could make life complicated and miserable.
31. Don’t eat when you aren’t humgry
Holy fuck Deeanne? What are you a nutritionist all of the sudden? And what the fuck does "Humgry" even mean? To make this SIMPLE. I'm not hungry six times a day. But that's what is widely known as a healthy thing to do. Eat six times a day. So why don't you leave this shit to the people who have dedicated their lives to health and you just go back to knitting a sweater for your cat.
32. Eat when you are hungry
See Above. With an added note that you tend to get fatter if you only eat when you're hungry because then you're inclined to eat more, at wider intervals. This will ultimately complicate your life when you're obese and die from it!
33. Be yourself
As opposed to what? Stealing people's identities? I don't have much of an option other than to be myself. If you meant, "don't act how people expect you to," then that's what you should have said!
34. Say no unapologetically
Oh sure, then deal with everyone calling me a dick. Great advice Deeanne.
35. Cook simple meals
That were only on my boring ass menu from before right? In other words. "Put no passion into the meals you cook for your family that you love so much. Just throw something together and call it a night!"
36. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses
You ignorant bitch. Deeanne, I don't know who the fuck the Joneses are, I'm assuming they're your neighbors...and...just because you don't try to be like them, don't put it on a list you intend to release to the public and just assume we'll know who the fuck the Joneses are. We don't know your life. And judging by this poorly structured list. We don't want to.
37. Pay off your car before buying a new one
More terrible advice from our resident annoying bitch, Deeanne. What if a man's wife asked him for a car, what is he supposed to say? "Sorry, sweetheart, even though we can afford a second car, I can't get you one so that we can finally sign our kids up for all their activities since you'll be able to take them...nope, can't do it...I'm still paying for our current car...and Deeanne from Living The Charmed Life said it would make my life too complicated. Sorry." Horse Shit, Deeanne. Total Horse Shit.
38. Organise your desk at the office
Wow. You spelled organize wrong. Wow. You really are a stupid bitch who didn't even think to spell check her shit. I hate you. What's worse is why the fuck would this make my life less complicated? Maybe my workday...but not my life. If all my life has gone to shit, I highly doubt and "organised" desk would bring me any solace.
39. Change your smoke alarm batteries when the clock springs forward, and when it falls back
This wouldn't make my life less complicated in the totality of my life. It would just be a good idea in case there's a fire in the house. Third degree burns may complicate my life, but then again, my sex life is pretty dull and I hear there's a fetish community for burn victims.
40. Organise your important paperwork
That's assuming I have any important paperwork to "organise." The problem overall with this list is that it's not broad enough. Some of these focus solely on women. Some of these focus on working people. Some of these focus on married couples or parents. It's not something that everyone can look at and apply. Which is a shame, because a list like that might save lives.
41. Take only half the clothes that you planned to take with you on holiday
Oh yes. Great. So when you meet the person of your dreams you start panicking because you didn't bring the outfit that you look AMAZING in because in trying to simplify packing you over-complicated the "take/leave" process and made bad decisions. Leaving you with a shitload of pop-culture t-shirts and one pair of jeans, sweatpants, and your father's completely un-stylish swimming trunks that you grabbed in a frenzy. Seems like this complicates things more.
42. Help your children with their homework every night, and have an open dialogue with their teachers
Few things. First, this is one of those focused suggestions that not everyone can apply to their lives. Second, I'm surprised, based on the structure of this list so far, that this wasn't split up into 2 different suggestions. Also isn't this a bit more complicating than just letting your children play with their toys while you watch primetime television? Yep.
43. Have white sheets and white towels in children’s rooms, because they’re easily bleached
I got nothing.
44. Spend your time with nice peopleBRILLIANT! I knew there was something wrong in my life...I just couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't realize I was spending my time with mean people. Ugh, this is so annoying. I have no idea what this means! Deeanne I wish I could get inside you. er...uh...your brain...cause I just imagine you were sitting there writing this one and smiling because you just blew someone's mind. You're such a stuck up, self indulgent bitch. I despise you.
45. Avoid dramaSee above. Deeanne is a Whore.
46. Don’t text or talk on the phone while drivingThis won't make my life less complicated. Though I do imagine the first thing I would say after being ejaculated from the car through the windshield and splooging on the pavement would be "Well, my life just got complicated." This would just make my life last longer and I would be safer. That's all. It's not more complicated than that Deeanne, no reason to make it so!
47. Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers
This is true. But they're so damn entertaining. My main problem with this is that you're telling me to turn off the computer because it's time consuming. Coming from the bitch who took the time to type up 100 useless things, post it online, and check often to see if anyone...also on computers...validated her propaganda. Fucking hypocrite.
48. Don’t engage in office politics
What if you're a politician? What do you do then? Uh-oh...Deeanne is a stupid bitch.
49. Refuse to gossip, or talk behind other people’s backs
I would say that most of my conversations consist of this. In fact...most of my friendships are based around the ability to do this well. What's more fun than being out with friends and being around people you dislike, then talking shit about them? I don't think there's anything more fun than that. How about restating this more accurately. My life's complications would not decrease as a result of this. Instead maybe you should tell the people that are so easy to gossip about and talk shit about, to be less of a douche in order to make their lives less complicated. I'm enjoying my life in this way, the people I'm talking about however are not. Speak to them, not me.
50. Do the dishes right after dinner
Right after my simple dinner? My shitty simple dinner off of my stupid fucking menu? No. By the time it's time to do the dishes, I'm miserable and would much rather drink myself happy and drown in my own vomit Crash Holly style. Yeah. I went there.
51. Never go to sleep angry
If I followed this I would never sleep. I always go to sleep angry, because every time I go to sleep it just validates that I'm not a vampire. How the fuck will a girl like me if I'm not capable of sucking her blood? My life sucks.
52. Ask nicely for what you need and want
Wow! FAIL! Deeanne...you overlooked something major here. IF one asks for something, they must give something in return. This is called a debt. Having a debt towards someone could complicate that relationship and life. How about instead of asking for something you need or want like a little bitch. You take what you need and want like an American mother fucker!
53. Walk 10,000 steps per day to help your heart
Yes. Because counting every fucking step you take isn't a complicated thing to do!
54. Do 20 push-ups before speaking in anger
Come on. This is really ridiculous. Like I would stop in the middle of an argument to bang out 20 push-ups then stand back up and speak angrily. This is just plain old stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
55. Leave work at work
I can only assume you're speaking geographically. There's no other way to leave work, than while you are at work. I don't understand how this applies to life's complications. What is going on? This list should have been finished at number 10.
56. Don’t befriend anyone that isn’t trustworthy
Yep, this is something people do! People go out of their way to befriend people that aren't trustworthy. You are quite profound Deeanne. You slut.
57. Don’t envy others
Why not? If someone has something I want, I can't help but acknowledge how lucky he is and how awesome it must be to be him. If anything it will make me motivated to do whatever necessary to achieve such luxuries. Fuck this one. Fuck it. Hard. Without lube.
58. Have your oil changed
Okay. Random. Life is simpler now that my car's okay.
59. Take vitamin C before you catch a cold
I never know when I'm catching a cold. Otherwise I wouldn't be catching colds. Because I would take vitamin C. Speaking of Vitamin C...where the fuck did she go? One minute she's on top of the world for her anthem to all high school graduating classes. The next she's no where to be found. Not even on Celebrity Rehab or anything I would expect her to pop-up for. Speaking of pop-up stuff and Celebrity Rehab that airs on VH1. What the fuck happened to pop-up video? That was the best. Taught me so much shit I never cared to know. Like MC Hammer's famous parachute pants were actually purchased from a homeless guy for a bottle of Jack...to which that guy then brushed his teeth. Years later his illegitimate child would sing about it and become a huge star named Ke$ha, using the dollar sign as both a tribute to her dad, and an insult to MC Hammer, who within years was bankrupt. What the fuck am I talking about?60. Don’t work more than 8 hours per day
"Yeah...overtime blows..."
61. Weed your garden weekly
WHO THE FUCK HAS A GARDEN!?
62. Wash your car weeklyGreat idea. Take time out of your hectic week to complicate things by spending over an hour washing your car...which will make life less complicated...because it looks shiny and new, and you won't have to be reminded that you're broke, and your wife is fucking the UPS guy.
63. Have a spring cleaning month every year, and do one room at a time
I don't know if she means...Have a spring cleaning month every year, and each year only do one room, which seems illogical...or...if she means, when cleaning the entire house in that one month, only do one room at a time, which, seems wasteful if you have 5 people living in the house. Either way, I think this is something that naturally would just get taken care of, and focusing on how to do it more effectively rather than just getting down and doing it, could be more complicated than it needs to be. Stupid Deeanne bitch.
64. You don’t need to be best friends with work colleagues, but build respectful partnerships
This is cold. I get it. In a work environment, everyone's looking to get ahead, so don't get too close and reveal too much about yourself, because it can and likely will be held against you so that the person exposing you can get ahead in the company. But really, if I work at Staples...I don't think I'm in much danger of being taken off of the register because some guy told my manager I made out with a girl named Adam.
65. Don’t drink and drive
This is just too funny. This list, could have been great...if focusing on little nit-picky habits a lot of people have that would make life easier if we kicked. Stuff like, "wear slip on shoes instead of laced." That's a nice suggestion which anyone could use if they so wish. But telling us not to drink and drive is just so over the top. I don't get it. People tell me not to drink and drive...they say "Mike, don't drive drunk." And I say "oh, let me watch you fuck a goat." 'Cause I'm drunk and I get really into bestiality. But they tell me its dangerous. I say fuck that...tell me one person who's died driving drunk! And they tell me their cousin was killed by a drunk driver. Exactly. I'm drunk...I'm not in danger. I'm fine. In fact I say driving drunk is the safest form of transportation. Other than flying.
66. Don’t look for reasons to be angry or sad, look for reasons to be happy. You’ll always be able to find plenty of each.
But no one gives anyone attention when they're happy. People only tend to pretend they care about people if they're angry or sad.
67. Be friendly with your neighbours
I'm a bit confused here Dee. You said not to keep up with the Joneses whom I more than likely correctly pinned as your neighbors. However, you're telling me to be friendly with them? Whatever. I try...but I swear my neighbors are still trying to figure out what the fuck a white family be doin' in they hood.
68. Return emails and phone messages promptly
No way. There's a reason why I don't check my e-mails and why I let it go to voicemail. I also think doing so would look desperate. I never say "Hey...I just got your message." I don't like how that makes me look. Instead I wait two days...SCREENPLAY TIME!
INT. MIKE'S ROOM - DAY
It's a nice summer day. The trees are making a beautiful noise as the leaves sway to and afro. Cause afro is funnier. MIKE picks up his cell phone, deciding to finally return a call from a message he received from his friend OLIVER two days before...
MIKE
Hey man...I got your message.
OLIVER
Yeah man, that was two days ago I needed you to call me.
MIKE
My bad bro...soooo....what's up?
OLIVER
What's up? What's up is my dad died.
MIKE
Oh...wow...uh...
OLIVER
Yeah...
MIKE
This is probably bad timing and all...but...um...today's my birthday...and....
OLIVER
(taken back maybe shocked)
What? Really dude...now?
MIKE
No...no...I mean...Sorry for your loss and everything I'm just saying...you know...it's my birthday...
OLIVER
(Confused, maybe disgusted, maybe contemplating murder)
Uh...hap...happy birthday, Mike.
MIKE
(Excited)
Oh, thanks man, so much it's gonna be a good one...me and a bunch of the guys are going to be going out to Dunn's
OLIVER
(crying)
Dunn's!? That was my Dad's favorite bar.
MIKE
(under his breath
Buzzkill.
OLIVER
WHAT?!
MIKE
Nothing. It should be a good time though
OLIVER
Yeah...cool what time? I could use a few drinks...
MIKE
Oh...uhhhhhh...yeah....
OLIVER
What? Am I...not invited?
MIKE
Oh I mean...you are...you...could come, sure...the thing is though...I'm banging your ex, and...I just feel like...I mean it's my birthday man, I don't want any drama...
OLIVER
No...I get it...
MIKE
No...hear me out. I don't want...you know...you being there...sulking like a little bitch cause your dad just croaked then Stacy...who has great tits by the way! I have no idea why you would fuck shit up with her...anyway...I don't want her feeling all bad and giving you a pity fuck.
OLIVER
You think she'd do that?
MIKE
I don't know dude, do you think she would put your father's death before my birthday?
OLIVER
Maybe.
MIKE
Nope. Gotta go. Pregaming! Peace bitch.
OLIVER
Dick.
Well that was a fun little exercise
69. Schedule in free timeHOW DARE YOU, DEE?!?! On top of my daily routine I had before reading your demonic list...then if listening to you, having to now adhere to getting 8 hours of sleep, planning, and sticking to a budget, investing, balancing checkbooks, "cultivating closer relationships with people, taking care of a client, wondering if the shit that you do that pisses me off will matter in 20 years, focusing on being a good person, staying home on a Saturday to do a chore, kissing random gas station clerks, shopping for my shitty weekly menu, digging up the remains of my grandparents to ask them the best way to do what your list was supposed to accomplish, going to the gas station more often to fill it up every half tank, going to AA so I don't have to drink as much anymore, paying my bills on time, getting annual physicals, telling my wife and kids I love them, imagining people's intentions are good, giving away and throwing out old clothes, talking out all of my conflicts, figuring out then acting upon all of my priorities, go against Eddie Guerrero's last wishes, trying to not hold grudges, cleaning my house weekly, doing my best at work or school, not eating when I'm not hungry, but eating when I am, being myself, saying no unapologetically, cooking unpassionate and dull meals, not keeping up with your neighbors whom I never met and could very well be great people, paying off my car before buying a new one, "organising" my desk, taking only half the clothes on vacation, helping my children with homework and keeping in touch with their pretentious teachers, changing my smoke alarm batteries, "organising" my paperwork, making sure there's a constant supply of white sheets and white towels in the kids' room, spending time with nice people, while avoiding drama, not texting or talking on the phone while driving, not paying attention to the world by avoiding TV/games/computers, not engaging in office politics, refusing to gossip, doing dishes right after dinner, never going to sleep angry, asking people nicely for shit, walking 10,000 steps every day, doing 20 push-ups during arguments, leaving work at work, not making friends with the untrustworthy, not envying others, having my oil changed, listening to Vitamin C's greatest hits, not working more that 8 hours a day, weeding my garden every week, washing my car every week, spending a month out of the year cleaning my house, not forming friendships with colleagues, not drinking and driving, avoiding emotions other than happiness, being friendly with your neighbors the Joneses, and returning phone calls and e-mails...on top of all of that...you now expect me to just randomly find free time? hm? You are a crazy fucking bitch, Dee....
I'm beginning to like you.
70. Don’t procrastinate
If I do this, it will start tomorrow.
71. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it
This is okay to do once in a while, I guess...but if I do this all the time, then everyone will expect this type of performance from me on a regular basis, and I just don't want that kind of pressure. It's annoying. And could cause complications, which we are trying to avoid of course!
72. Be more flexible when you’re able to be
FINALLY I agree with you Dee. I've been telling my girlfriends this all of my life. If I have a fantasy...you damn well be able to flex in any way necessary. I don't care if you think it's weird I have a pretzel fetish.
73. Forgive and forget. End of story.
Forget everything? It's easy to forgive. I'll give you that. But forgetting...oh man...forget about it! pun intended. Seriously...Dee, do you realize how hard it is to forget? I am reminded of shit all the time just by simply looking at something. I saw one of my ex-girlfriends recently. You think I wasn't thinking about her pierced nipples? It's hard to forget shit. Even if I'd like to forget shit. You can't. I'll forget stuff that I'd like to remember...like where I put that bag of weed I had last week. But I hardly forget stuff that I'd like to. You think I want to remember the time when I was nine-years-old and my mother introduced me to our new priest and I wanted to be funny so I started undressing, and my mother asked what I was doing and I said "Mom, don't worry this is what they're into," then looked at the priest and said "right?" at which point I started to laugh. I thought it was funny. My mother didn't think it was funny. The priest didn't think it was funny...then later I didn't think it was funny when Father O'Malley stuck his dick in my mouth. You just can't forget some things. Oh shit...Come to think of it...I think I swallowed that bag of weed cause I thought the tow-truck was the cops. Yeah...it's funny how you end up remembering things. I remembered sucking Father O'Malley's cock...which he forced me to swallow...and...voila...I swallowed the weed.
74. Break the consumerism habit…put a three month moratorium in place on buying anything not deemed a necessity
I have no fucking idea what moratorium means...and I am far too lazy to look it up. And if it's what I assume it is, of putting a hold on buying cool shit for 3 months...then I ask you Dee...what good is it going to do when I take all the money I've been saving like you instructed, and blow it in 2 hours as a result of underspending for 3 months. This is America. We don't underspend.
75. Start your diet on September 1, rather than January 1, so that you won’t also have holiday pounds to lose
I thought you said "Don't Procrastinate."
76. Take care of any health issues or concerns
As Soon As Possible? Because that would be contradicting what you said before. An unhealthy diet is just that...unhealthy...and if I wait until September 1st to start a healthy diet...that is called procrastination. You bitch.
77. Have your tires rotated
78. Have your brakes checked
79. Have your eyes checked
Oh my God. You literally are just thinking of anything now. Really? This shit is supposed to make my life less complicated. So far you've given me 79...rules to now live by, which I have to keep track of and complicate my life with. This is terrorism. Right? You're making it out like you're trying to better our lives...but in reality you're ruining it. I hate you Dee. I hate you. What is Dee short for anyway? Deehallah Mussan? Fucking terrorist. Wait...nevermind. It's short for Deeanne...but I bet your last name is Bin Laden.
80. Don’t let your imagination run away with you
Yes...great advice...and then there would be none of the amazing films and books that billions of people enjoy. This might be the most disturbing thing you've ever said Deeanne Bin Laden.
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| My Mom & Dad Had Sex Brother! |
81. Let go of perfection in others
82. Let go of perfection in yourself
These two are good. This really should be the only two on the list. I hope you're happy. You could have written a list of 2 Ways To Uncomplicate Your Life...and it would have been so much more profound and useful than wasting our time with a list of 2 useful things and 98 retarded things. Furthermore, you wasted everyone who is reading this blog's time...because I wouldn't have written this ridiculously long post.
83. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves
This one isn't altogether bad. But if everyone listened to this...there wouldn't be nursing homes for kids to just leave their parents because they never grew out of their "I'm too cool for my parents" phase...there wouldn't be that show on A&E called Intervention...cause no one would try to intervene on the junkie's life choice...and that would be a shame because that show is entertaining as hell. It's so funny when those people just inject themselves with heroine then start drooling and rolling their eyes and licking the mirror...hahaha...what are they doing? They're funny. They're crazy...why do they do that?
84. Find a way to reduce your commute to work
The only way I can do that is build a teleportation device. Working backwards...I can get a monster truck...just plow through shit...or I can build an underground tunnel...but I'd probably need to get a permit. I can spread an airborne pathogen that could infect all of mankind so that I won't be stuck in traffic and can speed...but then...upon getting to work...I'd have no customers...and after getting paid...I'd have nowhere to cash it. HA! Listen to me. I'm the only one alive mother fuckers...I won't need money. The world is mine. Speaking of owning the world...Dogs have it MADE! The world is their toilet...how crazy is that!?
85. Have an alloted amount of worry time per day/week, that you strictly abide by
Yes because if nothing else, curling up in a corner and crying for three hours per day is manly. Stupid terrorist bitch. Also...you spelled "Allotted" wrong.
86. Drink more water
What if I already drink the suggested 8 cups a day? What if I drink more than that already? You do know if you drink too much water in a certain time...you die. You die. Of course...these days...they say everything kills you...Do you know that if you eat 9 Oreo cookies, drink a chocolate milkshake and also eat a steak within a 36 hour period your stomach will implode? It's true...studies show it.
87. Eat more salmon
No. I will not. Fuck off.
88. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
I don't even think this is possible without some extra dirt or something. It just seems highly unlikely...So...we will just add this to the already large list of pointless things this dumb slut of a terrorist is suggesting I do to better my currently kick ass no need for improvement life.
89. Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style
Oh like you? And not get any sex for the next couple of years before realizing that you have singlehandedly ruined my life.
90. Finish what you start
I do. That's how I have a novel out. "Rock Beats Paper"...it's on Amazon...it's also why my sister is being a fucking bitch to me right now because she wants to watch Jersey Shore and I won't let her until I'm done with this so that I can watch it too. Don't hate...that fucking show is hysterical. TEE SHIRT TIMEEE!
91. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style
See #89. Slutty ass terrorist whore face. Ugh. I'm going to end you Deeanne Bin Laden.
92. Create a daily routine
Oh my fucking GOD! If I were to do everything you've suggested here...I'd have no fucking choice. You have given me more than I could even imagine taking interest in doing...most of it is likely to send me down a terrible road that could cause me to end my life in a miserable fashion. Possibly naked in a public place...during the winter...so there's shrinkage and shit...
93. Have a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year plan for your financial and life goals
I think my time would be better utilized if I were to just go after those goals instead of trying to figure out what I'm doing in 20 years...which supposedly nothing I do now will matter...according to this bitch.
94. Slow down
THIS IS A NEIGHBORHOOD!...
Lost? revert to the following video:
With that said, this is the worst of them all. Could Dee B.L. be any more vague? Slow down from what? I care not to think about that which she intends to imply by slow down, thus I move on...with great speed...
95. Eat out less often
No woman would ever say that. Most girls I know...save one (you know who you are!) would ask me to eat out more. Especially cause I have a tongue ring!
96. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked
I...can't...even....this is so sexist...and...stupid...just...die Dee. Die.
97. Allow your children to grow up
Sure...cause we can always keep them at the awesome age of 7. No one has a choice...kids are going to grow up...there's no allowing. However, as parents, we can allow them to experience life and grow maturely through dealing with their own shit. That's called...letting them live a life...not letting them grow up. This proves you don't have children, Dee...because you are a smelly terrorist, who has terrible cooking skills, horrible hair, and lame clothes. You never have sex. You suck big time!
98. Clean out your garage, and donate anything that hasn’t been used in the past year
This kind of goes back to the donating clothes thing. Especially if I have a car in there that hasn't worked in a year because I don't have the money to fix it...because I don't work any overtime...because in order to keep my life simple...I work no more than 8 hours a day.
On a funny note...if I were to literally do this...I'd be cleaning out my brother's room.
99. Stretch every day
And then what? Life just is automatically less complicated. Such a dumb bitch.
100. If a relationship is over, let it go
Finally one I agree with...Stop calling me you crazy bitch!
But really though...if I get dumped...it's my right having invested months and months of energy, emotion, and hopefully semen into the relationship...I have the right to fight to keep it. I usually lose after looking pathetic...but...I see how this could make things less complicated...so at least you finished on a strong note Dee.
Wow...holy shit...finally I'm done. This took me a lot longer to type than I thought. I figured I'd write a few lines for each...but...holy shit I can just...go and go and go...is this what it's like hanging out with me? I just go on and on and on? Hell...I hope this is what it's like having sex with me. That'd be nice.
Anyway...I don't really know how to end this. I'm exhausted...and hope I never write a blog this long again.* If you've read all the way through this...I thank you so much. You must be pretty fucking bored. Either way, I love you. With that. I bid all of you adieu.
-Mike
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites
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And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
*There are almost 10,000 words in this entry. That's 1/6th of my novel. How fucking crazy is that? It's also as many steps I should take every day!
OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteThe screen play part...funny as hell
ReplyDeleteMike, this is gold. I haven't laughed this hard in a while. I'm tumbling this because it's too good not to share with others.
ReplyDelete