Things I Am Puzzled By: Clapping

Here's a funny thing, as far as I know, no one has read my post from yesterday. If anyone has, they haven't responded about it. What ever happened to the way it was when LiveJournal was hot? Not only did a shitload of people read it, but they would comment on it. That kind of shit was good times. Now, I gotta beg for people to read what I feel is much better writing than that in which I poured into LiveJournal.

Either way, today's post is titled; "Things I Am Puzzled By: Clapping" This may or may not be the first in a series of posts...so don't look too far into the way I worded the title...Just...read...

CLAPPING 

This is something EVERYONE does. It's oddly become a part of society, but I have no idea why. If you think about it, clapping is really quite silly. Clapping is us simply taking our hands and...well...clapping them together to make a loud noise. It is otherwise known as "applauding," but clapping serves other purposes. Not only do we do it to show approval, but many people, including cast members of the Jersey Shore, my sister Shannon, and just about every guest on Maury uses a clap, sometimes thrusting the back of one hand into the palm of another to show anger as they defend their side of an argument. Some people see it as a way to intimidate their opposer, I just think it's flat out annoying...especially if done along each syllable of what they're saying. There's also speed clapping which many people do competitively. I think I've seen it on ESPN 8: "The Ocho." The world record for the most claps in sixty seconds is 806, which is held by Tim Ahlstrom of the United States. I think it is just ridiculous to clap. Especially competitively. But hey, then again, that fucker's on Wikipedia, I'm not.

Random People Clapping For No Reason

Clapping is also used in music. It could be a crowd going along to a live performance, or it could be a sound sample placed into the beat of a song. Usually hip-hop. The latter is something I don't much care for if done excessively, but otherwise is okay. The former however is just something I flat out dislike. I really don't like when a musician instructs the crowd in which I am a member of to clap our hands. Not only is it a reason for the smelly fat fuck next to me to raise his arms revealing a disgusting smell since he's been high on shrooms since 3:30 that afternoon...but I definitely don't want to clap along with any of these people. Doing what they're told just because some guy asked them to. But I do it, cause I don't want to be the one dick-head that doesn't do it. So I clap along in rhythm, which is hard for me to do...since I'm not musically talented in the least. So now instead of enjoying the music at a concert I paid top dollar to enjoy, I am feeling stressed out about whether or not I'm on beat. I start thinking about how the same guy that is telling us to clap has an ear piece in his ear in order to not be off beat with whatever re-verb might be taking place. Well I don't have an ear piece, and there's a lot of people clapping, What if I start hearing claps from across the arena and clap to those making me a second off the actual clap that everyone is doing? This is unacceptable. Especially if this is a concert that is being filmed for TV or DVD or something, cause then I have to worry if the camera that is scanning the crowd is going to pick me up as I am all off beat while the thousands of people who are clapping are all in beautiful harmony. Then when my moment on the DVD comes up it will be rewound and replayed dozens of times while people laugh. My cousins might TiVO it and play it on loop at Thanksgiving. I can't handle it. 

Also, politicians clap at rallies, people clap at Church, fans clap at sporting events. The Clap is everywhere and I'm not talking about what my ex-girlfriend is spreading. I just don't understand it. I really hardly ever believe anyone ever wants to be clapping in the first place. Especially while sitting through a reading of a list of people being recognized. Every time a name is called there's a clap. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION! Perfect example! As each student's name is called the people viewing this major life moment all clap. Then after mere seconds, the applause simmers, another name is read...and we're back to applause. Meanwhile Grandma Edna with the Arthritis is suffering through the pain wondering why more kids didn't drop-out.

Or how about formal gatherings that teenagers who don't want to be there are attending. Say a wedding or something. Those fucking pricks always have to do that "last clap" people clap for a while as the bride and groom kiss...the clapping obviously ends...but then little Kyle does his "last clap" while his younger cousin Tim at the other end of the church thinks "oh no fucking way is Kyle getting the last clap." So he claps. Then Uncle Frank who never grew up figures neither of them know what to do with a vagina so he'll clap. He does. To which he realizes he doesn't really know what to do with a vagina either which could be why he's divorced, so feeling bad for taking the undeserved last clap he shoots himself later that night. Now we have a funeral to go to which NO ONE will be clapping at. Way to go Kyle. 

I don't like standing ovations, they're just awkward. If you're the first one up, and no one else is standing, you can't sit back down. You're committed. So you just have to stand there and clap. Hoping someone else will stand up. Or if you're the last to stand up, you can only take solace that the people everyone's standing for can't see you. I usually only participate in standing ovations at Stage Plays. Only for the sole purpose of seeing all the cleavage as the actresses bow. The audience is pitch black from the stage so...it's like a free sample. I scout out which of the girls is hottest. And having been involved with acting in High School I know all these girls are horny as fuck and desperate cause they're usually stuck up and annoying bitches, so when I pick the one I like best, as everyone begins to sit back down or do whatever it is they're doing I reach under the seat in front of me and pick up the flowers. Wait outside the dressing room exit, and give them to my horny slut "Juliet." Here's a tip if you're going to try this. Always make sure the flowers aren't personalized. Chances are if they're not for her, they were meant for one of the other bitches that she hates because that bitch has blown the director more. Just a tip.

Sly was arrested in Australia in 2007 for reportedly
importing steroids. The truth is he actually led a
standing ovation after a screening of Rocky back in
the 70's. The Aussies have been out to get him
ever since.

But potentially the WORST clap of all is the "Credits Clap." I have broken up with girls, and stopped talking to close friends for committing this crime. What crime you ask? Movie Credits roll. The lights in the theater come up and people are clapping. WHAT THE FUCK!? In all of the aforementioned situations, clapping, though being completely stupid, has served the purpose of at least showing whoever or whatever you're clapping at that you are appreciative of their contribution to the night, event, or whatever. But in a fucking movie theater, no one who was involved in the film is going to hear you clap unless it's the red carpet premiere or one of the illustrious film festivals, in that case, clap if you so feel compelled. But if you're in a theater, opening night, in some random town, why are you clapping at a fucking screen? No one else cares that you appreciate the movie. Fuck off. The thing that keeps me from losing all hope in this country is that it's never really an uproar, the entire audience never really joins. The four geeks in the eighth row with their boners still fresh from Frodo and his friends all jumping on the bed and what not begin to clap, and a few other people out of instinct begin to clap and then realize they probably look like idiots and stop. I don't hate them for muscle memory. I hate them for not having the strength to realize what is happening and stop themselves from clapping.

Heath Ledger clapping as The Joker in
"The Dark Knight"

There is a bright side to clapping however. Heath Ledger clapping as The Joker in "The Dark Knight" was awesome just because it was Heath Ledger clapping as The Joker in "The Dark Knight." Then of course there's the "Slow Clap." The slow clap is actually just a reverse "Last Clap," However...the "Slow Clap" happens at moments following epic moments. If you've ever wondered "Did I just have an Epic Moment?" then this is how you can find out. After said moment, was there a slow clap? If yes, then yes you did just have an epic moment. If no, then maybe you should stop thinking about how epic of a moment you've had and start working on getting laid more you fucking geek. But really. In all seriousness. I love the slow clap. It's a magical experience. The slow clap in itself is an epic moment which kicks total ass because that's just a ridiculous amount of epic moments happening at once. When you're in a crowd, and a slow clap begins...you get excited. You're like "HOLY SHIT WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO 

JOIN IN!?!" 

If I Was In This Man's Shoes, I'd Be
Killing Those Who Ruin Or Falsify
The Slow Clap.

just be careful, you do not want to jump in too early as to make the slow clap a regular old "round of applause." Lame. But if you jump in too late you risk a prolonged silence that could ruin the structure and bring the clap to an abrupt end. This would be a shame, and if I were president, punishable upon death. Alongside the crime of making me believe upon entering a room that a Slow Clap is beginning when really it's just the conclusion of a regular applause ending with a few fucking punks and a grown man doing a "Last Clap." To which I reply shouting "WHOEVER JUST CLAPPED SHOULD KILL THEMSELVES!" before storming out. 

With that said, this portion of the blog is dedicated to Uncle Frank. R.I.P....I didn't really mean you should kill yourself...Ross still hates you for killing yourself hours after his wedding. But hey, Aunt Kelly's speech at your funeral was so epic I started a slow clap...though it didn't catch on. Love You!

In closing, as you can tell. I don't like clapping. But as I sat here and tried to think of ways we can try to figure out another way to show appreciation. I've decided that other alternatives would be quite illogical. I can't expect people to throw "Thank You" cards onto the stage, field, court, altar or any other place. That would be quite expensive and hazardous. I also don't approve of littering. I couldn't imagine people looking less ridiculous with noisemakers you often get in children's party bags. And the most ridiculous thing would be to have everyone just carrying around Vuvuzelas. So...while I dislike clapping, I guess it's going to have to suffice until I can come up with a suitable replacement for clapping...or hands. Thank you for reading.

If you'd like to follow me on twitter you can look to the right and see stuff there...or something...

And if you've liked this post or whatever...please leave comments and share with friends. Also look at some of my older posts.

-Mike.