I think that's some pretty cool shit right there. But this smile turned into a frown with which I had to ask myself "Mike, what the FUCK are you doing?" I wrote a book, it has sold 28 copies online, and a handful of other people have them. That's not enough. I need to go out there and get this book out into the public and let people know it exists...that I exist through it. I often leave myself pondering, if I'm using my time wisely? I spend about an hour and a half stumbling through StumbleUpon. I kept telling myself I could be using that time to do more...instead, I've decided to give that time a cause and now use what I stumble as a part of this blog. Great, but now what? I am spending time writing this blog. Which in my mind, should it catch on, could open my potential book sales up to thousands of people, who then may spread the word to thousands of people. That'd be great. But I'm worried that I am wasting time on caring for this blog while I could be sending out shit to get people to read my book. I don't know what I'm doing! Then comes the part where I'm thinking, I need to follow this book up with something else. I have two more books I want to write. They're inside me, and I want them out. But I feel like, if I can't even get more than 28 people to buy my book, I should not worry about writing a second one. Is that foolish? I have started deep preliminary work on my next novel. But I don't work on it at a steady rate. I don't know why I can't stay focused. I am proud as hell of myself, at least I think I am. I think a large part of the problem is that I don't believe in myself.
Yes, I know it's a tad generic to claim I don't believe in myself. But isn't that the truth. And you can counter that saying; "If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect others to?" or some shit to that extent, to which I say "I don't." I may try to FORCE people to believe in me by spreading my work through the bowels of the internet, but no one ever really does. They don't believe in me. Alternatively, I think, maybe they aren't really sure they have a voice. Why wouldn't someone copy and paste a link into their facebook or twitter? Maybe they think doing that won't matter. Maybe they feel they can't reach out to enough people, so whether they do it or not won't have an impact either way. I don't know, I can't figure out why someone wouldn't do something so simple when asked. Maybe that will be my next "Things That Puzzle Me:" column. I could do a whole book on not receiving the support from my peers that I see others do for complete strangers.
Then it breaks down to this: Maybe I'm worth shit.
Take Books of Adam. He has a blog right here, hosted on Blogger. He is as successful with it that I wish to be. Though I have no idea why. If you read his posts, I think they are very similar to my personality, hell...they pretty much are all from my point of view, I mean, I think him and I have a similar outlook on life. I can probably even draw! I mean I know I can draw, I've done some pretty cool art, though it's not really art, I just kind of...redraw something...I don't know, but I can draw. That's beside the point. He has a HUGE following. People love his posts...people love him. And after people read his shit, they post it for their friends to see...likely with something like "This shit is funny!" then a large number of their friends will click on it, and Adam just got a whole shitload of more friends. How do I make that happen? I think my blogs (save this one) are pretty well done. Most of them have an honest humor to them, and despite their overall theme have a pretty light-hearted outlook. Of course I'm throwing a pity party for myself to which no one has come even though everyone has been invited!
I am just at wit's end. Is it "wits?" I don't know.
The title of this post is "I have it within" It's kind of obscure, but I'm talking about overall talent. I have a ton to offer this world. Why am I not making an impact. Why is no one hearing my voice? What do I have to do?
To answer my own question...I have to believe that people WANT to hear my voice. Not literally, because I tend to think my voice is quite annoying, and I might have a stuttering issue, not so much a s-s-stutter, but I tend to fuck up words while pronouncing them, which...I don't know what it's called so I called it a stutter. Either way...I have to believe that what I do, with my talents, is something others would find worthy of their time. That sounds easy, all it should take is a simple "Believe in yourself" moment. Speech. Epiphany, whatever...
It's not that easy...so how do I come to that? I don't know. But I hope I find out soon. I need to find out soon.
This was a shitty post in all likelihood. Tomorrow will be a new "Things I Am Puzzled By:"
For now I leave you with my stumble of the day:
The Lonely Island ft. Akon - I Just Had Sex
Come back tomorrow!
-Mike
Follow me on twitter: @MMartinWrites
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And if you've liked what you've read so far on this site and look forward to reading more, you might also like my book Rock Beats Paper available on Amazon.
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